It is amazing how great things can follow when you are making positive changes for yourself. You build momentum and the fact that I have seen positive results in the past three days just by getting myself back on track are phenomenal. Like this morning for example, I weighed myself and found I am down to 217lbs. Sounds like a lot I know, but it sure beats Tuesday’s weigh in. I want to weigh myself everyday and record it on My Fitness Pal so I will stay on a positive track.
August 28th was the 6 month mark that I couldn’t wait to get to and I failed to mention here how far I was or wasn’t (in reality). I didn’t get to the exact weight I wanted, but I am still down 23lbs and that is what matters…I am not giving up, I refuse to give up. I will look and feel great and stop using my weight and unhealthy eating as an excuse to cope with anything that comes my way. Mainly my feelings and my inaccurate thoughts. Note that both are MY responsibility? Noone is telling me I can’t do this, only Me. Which is the main thing I need to change before I can get the results I want to see. Also, put more focus on becoming a published writer or writing a New York Times Bestseller and achieving this goal by following through with my thoughts and put my pen to paper…and finish!
Right here, right now I have decided to pick myself up and keep on facing the challenges I face when it comes to my weight, body image and attitude. Focusing on the I Can, rather than the I Can’t which I so easily fall into not to mention detrimental to achieving success. This will be my renewed focus for a better, healthier, happier and more loveable person I know I can be.
Two weeks ago I mentioned that I cried at bootcamp. I don’t think I mentioned the meltdown I experienced with the trainer and my always supportive Bootcamp Partner in Crime at the end of class. I told them both through tears that I can’t attend the class anymore because I am the fattest in the class, that when I do crunches all I feel is my fat stomach and look around at all the fit people and can’t measure up against them…that I can’t keep up with them. They both told me the fact that I was there was the most important thing and it wouldn’t be wise to quit now when I have come such a long way. I thought about it a lot and returned through my ridiculous beliefs that I can’t do this. If I keep crunching, my stomach will get smaller. That makes sense, right? Right.
I have heard from Dr. Phil repeatedly (not sure if he is real first source of this) who has defined the meaning of Insanity as “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result”. This is true. Like I mentioned in my earlier post this week “Old Dog, Same Tricks” giving up after reaching a certain number (30lbs) or stopping tracking thinking I can handle it myself and do it without any structure – is the same thing as before and how I ended up on the scale at 240lbs…which is clearly insane. I don’t want to go back there. Ever. I really don’t and as long as I keep focusing on the positive of what I am doing, the fact that I can actually succeed and that I am the only person that can take the responsibility for either doing or not doing…I will get there one day, one week and one calorie at a time.
So I just got back from bootcamp class first one of September. I am sweaty and gross and to be honest it feels great. I burned about 400 calories (I believe its more like 500 but to just give a bit less credit). I made pasta for dinner with pesto and measured and stuck to it. I could have added more but I’d only be cheating myself. I haven’t gone back to the kitchen to snack either…so let’s hope I remain strong.
I am no longer following weight watchers – not because it isn’t an amazing program because I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere close to where I am now without it. I may go back, but I have now decided to keep my interest high, to join My Fitness Pal which is a site and app where you can track your diet and exercise. There are two main reasons why I have made this decision.
First, I wasn’t tracking on WW anymore. I am not sure why, but I left it to my own accord. Not a good idea for a food addict. I was back to eating chips, had fast food and ate chocolate bars almost daily again. I kept lying to myself saying I would start again…with every good intention but didn’t…until yesterday. It started the week of my birthday when I lost control on chocolate peanut butter cupcakes. Regular out of control eating began again as old habits are easy to bring back and I have gained 8lbs as of my weigh in this morning. I’m back at 218lbs.
This past weekend I believe I got it out of my system. Oh yeah, I went cray cray on that shit. Doritos? Check. Pizza? Check. Smartfood popcorn? Chocolate chip cookies? Check and oh yeah, check. Damn I had no control.
I like the way my body was feeling and looking and like Kate Moss said, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels and she is so right. I am at the fork again, have gone backward and luckily I am trying my best to get back on track before I get back to 240lbs. Technically I am 22lbs down and after I entered my food and exercise today in 5 weeks if I repeat today exactly, I will be down to 206lbs. 5 weeks! That’s just in time for Thanksgiving….or just after anyway.
It is hard to stay positive and motivated with a goal I have been trying to reach since I was a teen. I need to cross the threshold just like I crossed the finish line of the 10km I ran / walked earlier this year. Change? Yes! I Can! Now to keep going and stop letting my own thoughts tell me I can’t do it because as a wise man told me, you don’t always have to believe what you think.
Made it through day 2, looking forward to day 3…yay me!
Here I am!! In case you were wondering if I reached my goal and flying around the world to fabulous destinations living a glamorous life….nope! Still here, sill truckin….do you ever feeling like you just can’t seem to get things right?? That you can’t control yourself? You probably have full control over yourself especially when it comes to controlling what you eat. Everyone seems to have it all together. Like on Facebook. Everyone has seemingly perfect lives don’t they? Maybe it’s a front but if we believe everything we see I’m sure it wouldn’t be so perfect but I’m guessing here.
Up until today, I have been in a downward spiral ruining all the progress I have made. Self sabotaging essentially. Why would I do something so stupid??? Everyone has a pattern and I guess that is mine. I reached 30lbs and gave up. Let’s just say I am up 10lbs since June 10th and I can’t seem to get a hold or control on myself. I need to make a choice here. Why do I insist on making things more difficult than they need to be for myself? It seems to be a pattern. Things can always be worse obviously. I seem to do this in all facets of my life…make those bad decisions, act on impulse and manage to isolate myself which makes it easier to hide behind these walls of fat. I have managed to completely ruin every positive relationship in my life. My best friend, my closest girlfriends, my long lost sister and for what? They couldn’t take
it me anymore and I sure as hell don’t blame them. Maybe that’s why I have no control with food…deep down I am trying to fill the constant loneliness I feel. Better yet, cope with the reality of who I really am….and who I am not. Even surrounded by people I adore I still feel that way. Why? I thought by now I’d feel different. I’d be different. I’m an adult for Christ sakes when will this internal unnecessary turmoil end? As much as I work on it with myself and others, I can’t seem to get it together. I can’t get it right. I truly want to though, I do I just don’t know how to exactly.
These are the best years of my life and I’m wasting them by over thinking over eating and staying unhealthy and overweight. Even worse, I’ve managed to do what I never wanted nor intended to do and I must now live with consequences and what I always feared deep down would happen. Even though I have put myself here I will only continue to try and change and must look at this moment in time as happening for a reason. There is a lesson here, as painful and hard as it may be and for sure one I can only learn from. I need to be strong enough to get through this without using food as a coping mechanism. I need to get back on track and only I am the only one that do this for myself.
I’m so sick of this blog full of empty promises and goals to myself. I long for the day I am complete, at my goal and can be proud that I finally achieved something that I set out to do. Today is day one of making the commitment and not a broken promise of eating better (again) for a healthier me. One day an one point at a time, right? Right.
Wish me luck,