Monthly Archives: May 2012

10%…Could It Be??

It is too early to be official but I am down 10% as of weighing in this morning. 10% is 24lbs. This means I have surpassed the amount of weight that I lost previously (minus 1996 make the connection with Oprah which was a total of 30). This 24lb loss also means that I am more than a third of the way to my ultimate goal.

I feel so much better that I am not looking back wishing I had started back in February…I have started and made progress! It feels great that the self loathing is gone and that I look forward to make healthy choices to continue this journey. Sure, things can be challenging at times and I may have a not so great day, but I have learned that it is ok and I can recover quickly. I just think of the fork in the road and where I want to be.

Passing the 20lbs mark and almost at 25lbs lost is pretty amazing to me and I still look forward to August 28th, the 6 month mark. I need to up the exercise now that it is gorgeous out because I find it makes a huge difference in all areas. I like looking at my back again too! Less rolls. ūüôā

Before I get ahead of myself, I officially wweigh in tomorrow morning…wish me luck!

Blog soon and Happy May 24 Weekend!


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Change….Yes, I Can.

Change is good, isn’t that what they always say?¬†¬†People are afraid of change but I am not.¬† At the¬†age of 35, I am trying make change and 2012 is my year to focus on it.¬† I am making strides towards a better me.¬† I will be the first to admit that¬†I make mistakes…a lot of them but the key is to learn from them and move forward with the lessons learned under my belt.¬† Isn’t that what life is all about?

In saying that, in 2012 I decided some changes needed to be made.¬† I started earlier this year by making the committment to lose weight.¬† I started at 240lbs on February 27th and now I am 218.5lbs.¬† I have a long way to go, but in 2.5 more pounds I will have lost 10% of my body weight.¬† I am a third of the way of where I want to end up.¬†¬†I know right, 240lbs….admitting it is the first step!¬† The heaviest I have ever been, ever.¬† I feel that I am at a somewhat plateau in the past week or so – where I am not losing as much as I want to but I am also not working out as much as I should be and I have been using crackers and cheese as a coping mechanism or an unfocused on the end goal mechanism…but I digress.¬†¬†When I was doing Jillian and walking / jogging more the losses felt more substantial.¬† Change, Yes I Can.

Look at U.S. President Barack Obama…Change, Yes We Can was his Presidential campaign which revolved around the idea that Change is possible and in our own hands….this belief and slogan subsequently brought him to the White House.¬† Wow.¬† One person, so much change and defying the odds.¬† I admit with an extremely talented team, he was able to change the minds of millions and prove to everyone that he was the best man for the job and in the end it was their perception of him that made them vote.¬† Surely, I can change one person, especially when that one person is me, the only person that I have control over.¬† Change, Yes I Can and with that change, the perception will change.¬† As we all know, Perception is reality….so why kind of reality do you want?

This is inspiring…it is a few years old, and it says “we” instead of “I”, but the sentiment about change is the same.

I am happy with my progress with losing weight, because that is what it is, progress.¬†¬†I read on WW that I have a choice when I am feeling I am not doing well.¬† I need to look at it as I am at a fork in the road.¬† I either go forward and continue¬†making healthy choices¬†or go¬†off track completely. The longer you keep going off track, the harder it will be to get back to where you were when standing at the fork and reach your ultimate weight goal.¬† I realized that this applies to everything in life.¬† Who knew WW provided life lessons as well?¬† In the past, I get to this point where I almost give up, self sabotage¬†and go back up the road I came from….hence the failure / giving up¬†in the past.¬† I refuse to quit WW.¬† I know it would be so easy to eat everything in sight, especially when I feel sad, angry or frustrated.¬† I need to ask myself, what do I want? To be fat and ugly or healthy and beautiful? Besides, healthy and beautiful comes with so much more….happiness, better clothes, healthier mind, great friends¬†and so on.¬† Fat and ugly comes with sadness, depression, health issues, self loathing, high blood pressure, lack of confidence and¬†frustrating, hurting¬†and¬†losing¬†the people you care about the most.¬† For what?¬† So not worth it.¬† Happiness seems more fun.¬† Change can happen, if you are committed.¬† I have come this far, why stop now?

This brings me to my second point.¬† Sure, I’m making changes in regards to my weight and health….but what about my mind?¬† What about well-being?¬† What about how I treat those closest to me?¬† I am used to using food to use as a coping mechanism and now that is gone.¬† I feel like my mind is a mess.¬† I am constantly worried and feel anxious all the time.¬† About everything.¬† I need to calm down and¬†accept that I can’t change the past and I can’t change people –¬†but I do have the ability¬†to change people’s perception of me¬†based on my actions and how I live my life and most importantly¬†how I treat people.¬†¬†Only at times of extreme¬†emotional pain and or the loss of something near and dear to us¬†is when we¬†usually realize things needs to change.¬† Usually it is too late to do anything different.¬† Sometimes, if you are lucky enough, it isn’t.¬† I can also change things that make me miserable by walking away from them when I know in my heart I want more and deserve so much better.¬† I owe myself that.¬† I truly believe the hardest things to do are the best things for you.¬† Although hard now, it is better off for everyone, most importantly me.¬† I need to stop looking for happiness outside of myself and find it within.

Oprah always says your life speaks to you in¬†whispers and you need to listen to what it is telling you so it doesn’t crash down on you later.¬† I wish I had listened earlier to my whispers, the louder whispers, felt the thump, or the brick. Now I am in the house that has fallen down and can only build from the ground up.¬† I am speaking in metaphors people.¬† Watch this to understand fully what she means…a great lesson for anyone.

So, after learning a really tough and really hard lesson I am¬†in the midst of¬†finding someone to talk to about the why’s and how to change, because after trying for so long – I’ve come to the conclusion I can’t do it alone.¬† You know what? That is ok.¬† Admitting fault, or that you need help isn’t a bad thing.¬† It is somewhat admirable.¬†¬†Admitting you are wrong, or have issues you can’t solve or purely understand on your own or can’t fix – doesn’t mean you are unsuccessful…the fact that you can recognize that something needs to change is what is important even if it is after the house has crashed down.¬† When I look at the amount of times that I have had tried to lose weight, I always gave up doing it alone.¬† I started with Weight Watchers, a great program and I am so far successful and want to continue – even though I have had impure thoughts of Big Mac Daddy more than once a week since I started…I am still here, still trying and working at it and I choose to be successful.¬† I will reach my goal of 175lbs….no matter what.¬†Once I get there,¬†perhaps my goal will go to 155lbs but with help, I am going to succeed…on both fronts because I deserve and want to make the change to live a happy and fulfilled life…not a miserable and lonely one that is why I am putting my words into actions.

Editor’s Note: I found out today that officially I have been selected to be a part of the new documentary series “The Truth Project” on OWN…which I am very excited about…..filming in June so another incredible opportunity to not only share where I have been, where I want to go but inspire others with my truth…the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have a point in this post today, believe it or not.  Change is positive. Change is good.  The beauty of change is that we are all capable of it.  Change? Yes, We Can.  If there is anything that you feel you need to change, remember, it is never too late.  My advice is listen to the whispers, then the louder whispers and try not to let yourself get the brick and I hope that the house stays standing long enough for you to make the change and find true happiness,  because you deserve it just like I do.

Blog Soon, PFF

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A Mother’s Love – Happy Mother’s Day

Inspired by the love of three special little girls, I wrote this to celebrate the love and the unique bonds these mother’s share with their daughters. First, I shared it with them for their day today and now I am sharing with you.
Happy Mothers Day.

A Mother’s Love.

From the moment you heard her heartbeat
For the very first time,
You knew without a doubt
‚ÄúShe will always be mine‚ÄĚ.

From the very first moment
You held her in your arms,
You knew you would do anything
To keep her far from harm.

From the first of many sleepless nights
Secret whispers the two of you share,
Filled with butterfly kisses and holding her tight
All those precious moments wrapped with care.

Only you know everything,
Her first crawl, her first word, her first step
She will be eternally grateful of these things,
For that you will never forget.

You feel joy each time she smiles
Your heart breaks with every tear,
You kiss away her pain
And wipe away her fear.

She will be your best friend,
She will be your ultimate challenge,
As she grows up you will learn
To not take this time for granted.

From the moment she steps into the world
On her own for the very first time,
She will always be your little girl
And with that she will no doubt shine.

From now until eternity
No love will ever compare,
She knows she can always count on you
And that you will always be there.

Today is the day,
To celebrate you
Happy Mother’s Day,
She is blessed to have you.

Again, Happy Mother’s Day.
Blog soon,

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Today Is A New Day!

Ok, so I think they weigh-in God’s heard my frustrations yesterday and did me a favour when I stepped on the scale this morning.¬† 20.3 lbs loss.¬† It was 20.2lbs¬†last¬†Saturday and Sunday so I think they knew I needed to see the number over 20.2 to keep my motivated.¬† So as annoying as my post may have seemed, dripping in disdain,¬†my weigh-in Gods gave me a break.¬† Thank¬†you!¬† Usually I step on the scale about 8 – 10 times in the am to ensure the weight is accurate.¬† Whatever number shows up the most is what I go on.¬† I only weighed in 3 times this am, the number was the same each time.¬†

So this is my promise.¬† I am sure if you are good at math you have probably figured out my starting weight, if you were that interested.¬† Nope, you are right, not a pretty number at all.¬† I started off over double the size…literally, double the size as one of my closest friends.¬† That is a disturbing reality and a wake up call for sure.¬† If I weigh myself this coming Monday, and I am 20.3 or over in pounds lost, I will post my starting weight, my current weight and what I am working towards each week like I did when I first started this blog back in 2010.¬† If not, I will do my best to not post a negative ninny post and go to the grocery store instead and carry around¬†two 10lb bags of potatoes to give myself some perspective of how far I have come. (thank you Rachel – awesome idea).

For everyone sending in their comments and emails of “hang in there” or “you are doing great” thanks so much – it may sound needy or lame, but it certainly helps….so thanks a million.¬† I dedicate my un-official 20.3lb loss to you.

Blog Soon, PFF

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Bad Few Days.

Well, I weighed in yesterday and lost only .2lbs.¬† This frustrated me immensely because I have worked so hard, stayed within my points values and for what?¬† .2?¬† It hardly seems worth it.¬† Big Mac Daddy was calling my name, but I¬†still didn’t give in.¬† I worked out, I even ran 5km.¬† I went to dinner two nights and perhaps¬†that is where it came in.¬† I felt heavier and that upset me and put me in an extremely¬†foul mood.¬† All I could think is I am so fat and disgusting.¬†I may as well give up.¬† What is the point?¬† This is so frustrating.¬† I thought I was doing so well, I have had a loss every single week….why can’t I just past the 20lb mark officially?¬† A few times when I have weighed myself it has shown a 20.2 loss but my weigh in on Monday has not.¬† It makes me want to cry.¬† So frustrating I just want to eat more.¬† I haven’t¬†binged.¬† Then I came home after work yesterday and felt frustrated so I ate 9 points over my daily – which dipped into my weekly points allotment. I ate¬†a teaspoon of peanut butter, a¬†teaspoon of nutella, a teaspoon of jam – yes I am disgusting.¬† I ate some tricuits with some blue menu marble cheddar.¬†¬†

Then I fought with my boyfriend over something terribly stupid (no doubt I overreacted due to all my other frustrations)¬†building frustrations so after that I cried instead of ate.¬† I went to bed and slept through the night, with only a few nightmares.¬† One where a close friend bought the building I live in, didn’t tell me, made the Starbucks close and started renovating my apartment before I had fully moved out.¬† So I was forced to befriend a former enemy and try my best to find somewhere to live…figure that one out.

I woke up this morning and felt guilty about what I ate amongst other things.¬† I told myself it was a new day and I could eat properly today.¬† I have so far and now I have had my dinner, I am done for the day, I cannot eat one more morsel of food.¬† I have 5 more hours before going to bed so that will be hard.¬† I could work out – but I am still feeling pretty shitty so I wont…or maybe I will get the strength to.


I know that I have said many times this time around that all little losses (.2lbs) add up to one big loss.¬† Right now I don’t believe it.¬† I hate the idea of so much work for no reward.¬† Kate Moss said “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” but she probably has never eaten chocolate cake…or a Big Mac.

Blog Soon,



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