Monthly Archives: March 2012

Update

Ok….so thanks for your messages and words of encouragement peeps ūüôā

So they didn’t do a biopsy right then and there, which is a positive sign…I will know in the next week if there is anything else I need to do once my Dr. reviews the results.

Do you know how much of your life passes through your mind when you are laying on a table, exposed?¬† The lights went down low as I lay half naked on the table, out came the gel and the wand – but trust me, nothing magical was happening.¬† Realizing in the longest 35 minutes of my life (yes, 35 minutes spent on one boob) of what I want and don’t want, who I want to be and what I need to change as again, life is so incredibly short.¬† The small stuff doesn’t even matter, unless it is fun small stuff spent with friends or loved ones..then of course that small stuff matters.

As I lay there, I prayed.¬† I don’t know who I prayed to but someone, anyone who would listen.¬† I prayed that I would get through whatever they would tell me.¬† I thought about silly things that I get upset about and wish I hadn’t.¬† I thought about what my breasts mean to me and that I don’t want to take them for granted ever again.¬† I was thankful for how lucky I feel that I am pretty ¬†healthy right now and how¬†I shouldn’t take that for granted.¬† I have the ability to walk, run, do what I want when I want.¬† I can lose weight as a 35 year old and it isn’t too late.¬† I have the freedom to make these choices and I sure am grateful for that.¬† What more do I need?¬† 35 minutes is a long time to think of all of what I should be thankful for.¬† Not a word was spoken between the tech and I until she left the room (panic ensued) and came back to apologize for stepping out.¬†¬†I teared up on the table, as privately as I could so the technician wouldn’t notice but after she told me I was finished, I changed and I left.¬†¬†

Yes, tears were shed.¬† It is scary, it really is and I can’t imagine how people feel when they are given a diagnosis that is scarier than just a worry during an pretty routine ultrasound.¬† Specifically, I thought about my mother and how incredibly strong she is to have gone through what she went through, not once but twice and¬†again, like a champion.¬† I could never imagine how awful it was and I have more respect for her now than I already had.

So I will hear from my Dr. in a week so until then I will count my many blessings and continue on my journey here…14lbs about 51 left to go for my goal and I WILL do this.

Blog Soon, PFF

 

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….and I am back.

Ok so it didn’t last too long but I took the break I needed to think a lot about what I needed, what I want and what I don’t want.

This blog is important to me so I will continue on, because I find that not only writing down what I eat on my online WW food journal totally helps – it also helps writing about everything and anything I possibly feel like on a day to day basis. I love that I have people who read my words and are actually interested in what I have to babble about….so thanks as always for the support, kind words and for believing in me even when I find it hard to believe in myself.

So, you may be wondering…..is she still on WW? Or did she fall off the wagon….I assure you, I am still with WW and have almost completed 5 weeks (this Monday will be my 6th weigh in). There seems to be something different this time, that I want sincere change to happen and I owe it to myself and everyone around me to make it happen.

How much has she lost? You may be wondering to yourself….or not…perhaps you don’t really give a shit or perhaps you do. Ok, as of today, at my Dr.’s office, fully clothed, midday (its always first thing in the am and nekkid) I have lost a total of 14lbs! That is a great amount in my opinion, a great feat that I will try my best to continue. Plus, I have had a loss every week since I started, no gains or plateaus so that is helpful to try and stay on track.

Another thing too, people in my office have begun to notice some change…so that feels great that you can kind of notice. 14lbs on someone 135 is a huge loss and totally noticeable…I think the bigger you are its harder to see? Mmmm maybe I’m wrong or right…what do I know really anyway I’m just glad people can notice!

What I have thought about and discovered the past 11 days is that I will tell it like it is here in my blog, I won’t sugar coat or edit myself the way I have previously to avoid criticism…so I’m kind of excited about that.

On a side note, the Dr. mentioned today my BMI which is fairly high, my good cholesterol needs some assistance (more exercise & fatty fish) but other than that I am pretty ok other than a blood pressure that is getting near the higher side but can be also helped with losing weight so there are lots of reasons to be good and stick with this program!

Editor’s Note to the ladies: Luckily for me I know my real mother (I was adopted in case you didn’t already know) so family health history is something that I am now fortunately aware of. My beautiful mother battled two types of pretty major cancer (and kicked its ass both times like a champion I’ll have you know) so screening and early detection is pretty important and helpful for my fabulously new Dr. Today I was informed that my mammogram discovered a 6mm mass in my left breast. Say what?! I have had mammograms before and nothing has shown so you can imagine my immediate panic. She told me that it looks benign (non-cancerous), whew, but they just want to take a closer look with an ultrasound. Did I cry? Yes, after I left the office I did. Am I scared? Uh, yeah. Reality hit pretty hard I have to say. I called my mother to ask her what she thought and she assured me if the Dr. thinks its benign, they are pretty good at determining that – but its good that I am going to get the ultrasound just to make sure. My appointment is tomorrow (thankfully quick!) so let’s hope for clarity and who knows, perhaps it was a 6mm bug on the screen? One can only hope…

Today’s news also got me thinking about another Dr. a couple of months ago who told me that the more weight I carry, the easier it is for cancer cells to develop (increased weight, increased hormones lead to…) so its another reason it is important for me to stay on this journey and keep losing weight! I will lower my risk of heart disease, stroke and cancer – and I will look fabulous doing so – all legitimate reasons to stay on track! I knew this time was different, and after today, I realize that my health is no joke…if small changes can make such a huge difference in a positive way, then why not make those changes? I am committed, now more than ever.

My reason for sharing this with you? Basically…reality sucks sometimes, it can be scary and you can only control how you respond to it…meaning I have one life and I need to treasure my body, my mind and those who surround me because there is no second chance. I am on the path for a greater me and I can’t wait to finally meet the person I am meant to be!

Blog soon,
PFF

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Taking A Little Break…

After some consideration, I am taking a break from writing here at Phat To Fit To Fabulous. I am not sure how long the break will last….I am just hoping that when and if I do start again that it will be well received.

This does not mean that I am stopping my journey, it just means that I am not going to share as much of it for a bit.

Thanks to all of you for reading, your incredible support and positive comments they have meant so much, have helped me and I appreciate them more than you can imagine.

Fiona

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Models & Me

So,¬†Wednesday night I attended the Line Knitwear (http://lineknitwear.com/)¬†Fall Collection¬†show for Fashion Week in Toronto.¬† I have been to an after party during¬†Fashion Week, but not to an actual show where you watch the models strut up and down the runway.¬†¬†To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to expect.¬† It was all quite exciting and a fun night out with the girls (minus one special cupcake) but when we arrived to look around at the attendees was the first part of the entertainment.¬† People who attend fashion shows tend to express themselves in beautiful clothing.¬† Some are interesting, like the guy I saw in a long john baby blue shorts¬†onesie¬†type ensemble with a gold chain, jacket and sunglasses – somehow he a. totally fit in and b. rocked it.¬† I loved watching¬†everyone put on the show for¬†us and we hadn’t even reached our seats yet.¬† Did I mention the guy from MTV dressed as a cop – he was arresting people for “crimes of fashion” which was fricken hilarious and I was terrified he would come up to me….thankfully he didn’t.

On our way to our seats, we realized WE ARE WALKING ON THE CATWALK.¬† Yes, I can honestly say that I have walked on a runway of a fashion show….probably the only time ever I will be able to say that I did.¬† We started to get nervous, we didn’t want to become fashion roadkill.¬† Carrie Bradshaw showed girls everywhere what could happen and that scene flashed through our minds, (we weren’t wearing Dolce either unfortunately) but we made it to our seats without¬†that fashion faux pas.¬† We sat three rows up from the runway, the lights went down, then shone on the catwalk as the show began.

One by one, the models came out, well, modelling the fabulous knitwear.¬† The first thing I noticed was how skinny they were.¬† I mean it.¬† Like I am not even kidding.¬†¬†I have always heard the “skinny” on how thin models are but to see it first hand.¬† Wow is all I can say.¬† These girls aren’t eating.¬† Some of the girls looked like they had stick¬†legs, like they were going to break right off as they strutted up and down.¬†¬†Now, in no way do I mean to disrespect these girls as they are great at what they do.¬† I know that we see magazines and all want to¬†achieve¬†the beauty of a “model” – but I¬†can honestly say, seeing these girls up close I realized three things:¬† One,¬†not many¬†“regular” people look like this so we really shouldn’t try to achieve an unrealistic body type for our frame.¬† Two, I will NEVER be that thin, no matter what I eat or not eat so I am glad¬†to have¬†had the chance to walk the catwalk regardless (while about¬†75 other people were standing on it) and¬†three,¬†all I wanted to do is eat a¬†cheeseburger after I watched them¬†pass me by.¬†¬†I said I wanted to, but I didn’t.¬† As one of my fabulous friends pointed out, in order to come across as that thin in knitwear, you MUST be really thin.¬† Yup, that about sums it up.¬† She also pointed out Gisele.¬† Yes, Gisele.¬† I really would love to see her in person to understand just how thin a “Supermodel” is.¬† Or, a Victoria’s¬†Secret Angel.¬† Wow.¬† The wheels started turning…I promise not to hate myself, I promise not to hate myself, I promise not to hate myself.

The show itself doesn’t last that long but it is pretty amazing to witness the whole set up.¬† The pictures we see in magazines from the runway, I¬†now know where all the photographers sit to take them!¬† That was cool…(right at the end of the catwalk if you weren’t sure yourself).¬† On the way out, we were able to snap a shot of us on the catwalk as proof that we did and we managed to not trip and “Carrie” out either – yay us!!

All in all it was a great experience and I look forward to Fashion Week next year and perhaps attend in Paris or New York one day.¬† I have a feeling that the Chanel show would blow my mind and the models would be half the size….by then, who knows, maybe I will be too!

Blog Soon,

PFF

Ps. Still haven’t cheated.¬† Still haven’t gone over my points, or use my extra points during the week.¬† I am drinking over 64 oz of water a day (wondering how I haven’t drowned yet) and almost finished week 3.¬† Week 3 if you remember is when the cravings start to go away – and I have to say…it feels like they have.¬† Two days this week I almost ate my own arm off but thankfully for my co-workers and myself¬†I didn’t.¬† I am making healthier choices because I want to not because I have to.¬† I just have to increase¬†the exercise portion….soon…soon.¬† One day, one point at a time.

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Pilates (Still Not Pie & Lattes): Part 2

Editor’s note: First things first, I am overwhelmed at the kindness of a friend who not only posted the link to my blog on her own blog but said such nice things about¬†it as well!¬† She wrote about how we met in¬†Grade¬†8 &¬†the interesting /¬†lasting impression I made on her.¬† I am quite a “charmer” apparently….well take a read for yourself and if you know me then you know that this is totally something I would¬†do¬†& not a surprise at all: http://notanotherryanseacreastproduction.blogspot.com/2012/03/introducting-you-to-phat-to-fit-to.html¬†– I was touched and totally appreciate the sentiments Char!! People check out her other posts, they are quite¬†funny and I keep begging her to post more!

So I decided to torture myself yet again tonight and attend the same Retrofit Pilates class I did last week.¬† We did a lot of work with the Bosu¬†(picture one of those big balance balls with a flat side – almost like a UFO type thing), so much so that I felt at one with it.¬† Instead of stretching over it to do the push ups¬†or whatever it was that I was supposed to be doing, I found myself hugging it at one point.¬† I layed¬†on top of it, backed up against it with some bootay, I put my hips on it, I layed¬†my legs across it, I stood on it – the question is what didn’t¬†I do with it?¬† That Bosu got a lot of action as far as I’m concerned, I basically went to third base if I am being honest.¬† The hardest part of the class¬†tonight was trying to balance on it with my hips when we were asked to lay across it and do scissor kicks.¬† It felt good, as there was a lot of stretching, strengthening and pain – which all equal out to a pretty good workout.¬† Did I mention the sweat? No need to…really, no need.¬† You know what else there is no really need for? The Bachelor: The Final Rose.¬† I will never get those two hours back.¬† The bonus? There was a show on afterwards called The Bachelor: After The Rose.¬† 15 minutes was all I could handle of that one.¬† The guy is a huge dork and I just don’t understand the appeal but again, I appreciate a guilty pleasure.¬† Maybe if I join my fabulous Pilates partner (the one that glows and makes it look effortless) next week we can watch Tori Spelling star in “Death of a Cheerleader”, one of my all time favourites.

I am still a little bothered that I only was down 1.6lbs this week.¬† It is nicer to think of 8.3 lbs lost in 2 weeks, for sure.¬† I have watched and recorded every single morsel of food that has entered my body.¬† Maybe next week it will be more of a loss but I am not going to give into the feelings of frustration.¬† For the first time in a long time I am genuinely focused and can see the end¬†in the not¬†too¬†distant future – who knows what I will look like and feel like at the end of 2012?¬† It is exciting to imagine.¬† I have¬†come this far, why ruin such good work, right? Right.¬† To feel awful again…what fun is that?¬† I have made a decision in regards to March 27th – the one month anniversary of joining WW – I will go to Chipotle¬†and have a chicken burrito¬†bowl with guacamole, sour cream, fresh salsa, cheese and pinto beans – for 20 points (16 points without guacamole I may do this instead) in the actual soft¬†burrito¬†it adds the total to 28 points which is a day of food practically – insanity thinking about how I used to eat them with no hesitation before.¬† I will not go over my daily allotment nor will I dip into my weekly extra points – but I think that is what I am going to do as a treat.¬† I look at¬†it this way, this program is designed so you can eat what you want, so you aren’t deprived – so for me to take 16¬†or 20 of my daily allotment and dedicate it to a burrito bowl, I believe I am ok with it.¬† Hopefully my guilt wont talk me¬†out of it….

Pick of the week: Blue Menu Twice the Fruit Strawberry Rhubarb Fruit Spread Рpossibly the greatest fruit spread ever that acts like jam & is the most delicious, delectable treat I could ever imagine.  I was a fan of the plain old strawberry, but my oh my do I ever love this! 1 point for 2 tablespoons Рunreal.

Blog Soon, PFF

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Trying To Stay Positive

Ok so I just weighed myself and down another 1.7 pounds for a total loss in two weeks of 8.3lbs. I knew my loss this week wouldn’t be as high as last week, but was hoping for an even 2lb maybe a 2.2lbs. A loss is a loss I guess and I will continue to try.

To be honest I am a little de-motivated but I still won’t turn to cookes, cake, chipotle or big mac daddy (saving to use the 14 points on my month anniversary). Remember WW you aren’t to suffer or deprive…everything has a point value I will not go over my daily allotment I will just use 14 of my points on a Big Mac on March 27th.

I will have you know that I have not cheated, not once. I have not eaten a chocolate bar, a bag of chips, smartfood, poutine, a Starbucks chocolate chip cookie or any type of fast food (unless chicken on a kaiser with caesar counts)in over two weeks now.

Here’s to hoping I stay strong. Still at the same point value allotment for this week.

Blog soon, although I am a bit frustrated (this is all part of the journey, right?).

PFF

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Do You Ever Feel Like YOU Are The Ugly Friend?

Let’s be straight, I do. I always have felt that way. This is not a “poor me” post by any means but I have always been very fortunate to have gorgeous and beautiful friends: inside and out who are always well put together and epitomize fabulous. Editor’s Note: my girlfriends compliment me all the time so what I am saying here is strictly my opinion / feeling and does nor reflect anything any of my girls have ever said to me

So I have always been the “big” and “unattractive” friend at the bar, lounge, restaurant, shopping, anywhere for that matter – always too big to fit into shoes I love/adore (Carrie Bradshaw Blue Manolos anyone?) Or tons of gorgeous high boots that I salivate over but they just don’t fit my calves or pretty clothes in normal stores and it is just embarrassing. I would love to try on anything and be available to me to own and look good in. To not always have to wear a cardigan due to how much I loathe my upper arms. Again, I am embarrassed, it makes me frustrated and want to eat and the cycle just continues. Clearly another reason as to why I am still battling.

So this weekend I was out with part of my totally gorgeous crew and at the bar I watched man after man feel the incredible energy of my girlfriends and beg for more. Some wanted to dance, some bought drinks, some just stared in amazement. I’ve never been the girl that gets picked up…I mean NEVER. Not the ideal but from time to time knowing that I attract the opposite sex would be helpful. I never thought of myself as totally ugly due to some ok pictures that have been taken through the years (good light is everything) but at a bar you are face to face, where you are judged and it is decided in one split second whether you are attractive enough to be worth talking to or not. It’s interesting how invisible one can feel when this happens over and over. That’s life, I know that, but once, just once it would be great for someone that I find attractive to tell me I’m gorgeous and want to call me because they can’t imagine walking away without being able to know they will talk to me or see me again. Maybe I’ve watched too many sappy romantic movies. Yeah, sounds about right.

So instead of beating myself up about how awful I am, how much weight I have gained and feeling hopeless about my situation and stuffing my face…I started feeling inspired that I will one day be as fabulous, attractive and feel equal to all of my gorgeous girlfriends because I have started a program that I have already completed two weeks of and have completely dedicated myself to with no intention of stopping. Although this post may seem like there is a lot of insecurity…the most important thing I want to get across is that I am loving myself enough to make the change and I am proud of myself for what I have accomplished in the last two weeks. I can see the less heavy me and damn, do I ever look good!

My confidence can only go up and hopefully the number on the scale go down, from here. Weigh in tomorrow…so check back to see the results.

Blog soon,
PFF

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