Monthly Archives: January 2012

Later 2011, Helllooooo 2012!

Good Riddance Two Thousand Eleven, can’t say that I am feeling anything but joy that I have left you behind.  You were a year of loss, regret, sadness and overwhelming emotions that I would rather forget. In fact, take this and realize that I never want to see you again.  You can hang with 1995, 2004 and my personal least-favourite 1997 for all I care.  I am moving on.

Before you get all sad 2011, there was some good in you.  For example my birthday celebration for one was probably the best I have ever had in my life that even today thinking about it, many months later, brings tears to my eyes.  I felt loved.  I felt cared for.  I felt present.  I felt in the moment.  I felt high thread count, intoxication and I felt cupcakes & champagne. Most importantly, I felt incomparable joy.  More recently & much more significantly, one friend had a beautiful baby girl at the end of November and another friend  got engaged to the man of her dreams to help bring in the new year – so not too awful of year with those fairytale moments surrounding me.  I believe that magical and life changing events happen to great people: case and point.

Two Thousand Twelve.  A new year.  A brand new and fresh start where anything seems possible.  2012, where a few unofficial resolutions have been thought of and not committed to just yet.  Do you make resolutions?  I have never officially written them down, therefore never committed to them.  I have had them in my head before, but then I forget and I don’t reference them so they are lost to me.  Only two quickly come to mind:

  1. Eat healthier, exercise more and lose weight.
  2. Start writing a book, or complete the series in mind and at least have half of it complete by end of 2012.

Well, we know number 1 has been an ongoing battle for 3 years now – in blog form anyway.  A lifetime battle really.  Always hating myself, trying to change, dreaming of results, doing something about it, giving up after I reach a certain point.  That has been the cycle my entire life.  I am at  a mix of the hating myself / trying to change / dreaming of results stage.  I need to go out tomorrow, bottom line.  The last time I felt good in this skin was 2005 / 2006 – I looked and felt great.  Six years ago is way too long to have felt good in my skin.  I started before the holidays on a good regimen and it got a little off track with the turkey (see last post if unsure what I mean).  I don’t want to turn 36 hating myself even more for not starting in January – when I had the chance to make myself look decent for the summer.

Number 2 is something I have started three times, but never finished.  I sure can start something huh?  I am noticing the pattern here.  I get ideas, then I lose them, forget about them and think of how I should start again.  At this point, I haven’t even written a single word for a new beginning.  I have a story to tell, but bits and pieces are everywhere and I can’t seem to clear it up.  It is mixed up with the daily grind, daily events, daily emotions and by the end of the day I am way too exhausted with what is happening in my head to put a pen to paper or fingers to a keyboard let alone put a thought together for something else.  I have now written it down here, so I can only try.  I also have an idea for a different type of book, so who knows where that can take me if I commit to the idea.

Maybe for 2012, I can also stop thinking about everyone else and what they think of me and focus on myself.  Worry about myself.  At the end of the day, I am the only one who can do that and I need to be the one who puts myself first.  I just realized as I was writing this, that I am forever someone who is looking for love, to be loved, to be heard, to be accepted and I am always trying to prove that I am worthy of other people’s love, attention and admiration.  Ok, it’s not the first time in my life, but first time I am recognizing in 2012.  On the other hand, maybe I can commit my time in the community, to people who need love just as much as I do.  Perhaps volunteering time at a senior’s home or finally complete and submit my application to be a big sister.  My pattern is to try to make people love me, self-sacrificing what I truly want, what I truly need and it never worked.  Maybe by donating my time, giving of myself, I will get all that love in return. 

Elbert Hubbard said it best and perhaps this will be my new mantra for 2012:

“Love grows by giving.  The love we give away is the only love we keep. 

The only way to retain our love is to give it away.”

You know when I start writing about love, life etc. Oprah can’t be too far behind.  The following are the highlights of her top 20 of what she knows for sure that resonate with me.  I will try to live by at least one of these each and everyday and see where it leads me this year:
 
1.What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what. Thinking maybe putting out the most positive energy I can handle so it will bring positive things back.
 
2.You define your own life. Don’t let other people write your script. Don’t let other people’s opions or actions lead to options I don’t truly want for myself.
 
3. Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power. Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.
 
4. Worrying is wasted time. Use the same energy for doing something about whatever worries you. Focus on worrying about what I want & need.  In the end, I only have me.

5. What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believeI don’t have to believe my every thought.  Just because I think it, doesn’t mean it’s true.

6. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give. Love myself first, Love others, it will come back and I will experience the happiness I desire.

7. Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter. Love myself, Love others as much as I possibly can.

8. Every day brings a chance to start over. This is key especially when trying to try something new.

Who knows, maybe all of us can use a little Oprah.  Maybe 2012 should be the year I learn to love myself first fully then everything else will follow.  Maybe, just maybe when I look back at 2012 a year from now, I can honestly say that this, 2012, was a year of insurmountable moments of joy, love and success.  My novel will be near complete, my heart will feel full and my body will finally be fabulous. 

Happy New Year Everyone and feel free to share your own resolutions in the comments – what do you strive for?  Now that we are over a week in, have you stuck to them?  Look forward to hearing from you.

Blog Soon, PFF

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