Monthly Archives: August 2011

It’s Hard to Say Goodbye

There are people you meet in your life that come in for a reason, season or lifetime.  Although I wish that many people who have entered in and out of my life were still with me, I believe that there was a reason or a season for each of them.  Some were difficult to part with, that is for certain but others? not so much.  I looked at the latter as more of a lesson in life that I could move on from – think psycho ex-neighbour nightmare 2008 / 2009 or psycho habitual lying ex-boyfriend 2004.  Goodbye’s are always hard for me even if they are sometimes for the best.  When I was little, other kids were excited for the last day of school, I was the girl on the school bus on the way home trying to hold my tears back because I was going to miss seeing everyone everyday and held them back so I wouldn’t seem like a big loser.  Just a few months ago a dear friend of mine mentioned loosely not being around at some point in our lives and I started to cry over my dinner at Brassai.  Note to self: Not a pretty sight or life of the party at the point when there are tears dripping on spaghetti.  Actually, it brings tears to my eyes imagining it right now.  Attachment issues? I think so.  I admit it, I am a sucker and I hate goodbyes.  Even if it isn’t a permanent goodbye, I still find it very difficult not seeing the person I am used to seeing whenever I want to.  

As I have gotten older, I tend not to get that close to people.  My friends are sensational – what need would I have to meet someone new?  Your friends are your friends and sometimes new people come into your life and you just can’t help letting them in.  Maybe you are the type of person who only gets close to those you work with.  I am not one of those people anymore.  I tried, but have realized time and again, through the years, that friendships formed at work can bite you so I try not to get too close.  Of course it could just be my inability to actually trust and believe people.  Perhaps a defence mechanism has been created to not really feel anything.  Maybe I am just a sociopath.  Yup, that must be it.  

There is a reason for my rambling today.  For this post in particular is because someone I have grown very attached to at work has left and is moving back to her homeland tonight.  In fact, she is on a plane in the sky flying far, far away from here as I type this.  This never happens to me and I certainly never write about it.  I don’t usually get attached to people at work let alone mention my feelings about it.  I promised Nikki, the sassy scottie who I am speaking of that I would mention her in my blog (she is an avid reader and subscribes – who knew?!) so here it is my darling – this post is dedicated to you.  Of course this has nothing to do with or is payback for the surprise sweet note you left for me when I returned to work this morning and got me all teary eyed.

Nikki: You are sunshine.  I mean it and I don’t use my words lightly.  Pure, bright and warm sunshine.  It is the first word I can think of that encompasses you.  You brighten people’s days without realizing it.  You are a magnificent girl who I absolutely adore.  You are an excellent baker of ghouls.  The way you wear your heart on your waist and the way you fishtail your goldilocks cannot be matched.  Your pastel green manicures, your love for waga muffins and the way you say bye twice whenever you hang up the phone will be missed greatly.  

In all seriousness, I consider myself very lucky to have met you, spend time with you, get to know you and call you a friend.  Always happy, always sassy and just a pleasure to be around.  Actually, most importantly I am very fortunate to have been your timesheet approver for an entire month.  I felt honoured by clicking “Approve” and felt so much power when I would tell you “yes, you can leave at 5:01pm” when you were done at 5.   Thank you for that and you are truly the best employee anyone could ever ask for.   

I know we all feel it already, our sunshine is gone.  You promised us you would return to Toronto – so you better not disappoint.  We are counting on you so this is not “goodbye” this is “see you in a few months”.

This song is dedicated to you….substitute home for office.

Take it away Bill:

Miss you Sunshine – hurry back! 

Blog Soon,

PFF

 

 

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Make It Count

“Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.”  Jack Layton

Sound familiar?  It should.  I am not someone who follows politics, not even a little bit.  Let’s be clear, I have never voted.  Although I did try to vote in the last election to show appreciation to the women who fought to allow me this right, but the line up was way too long.  I decided I could show my appreciation by getting my nails done or my hair blown out – as back in the day I am sure those women who worked so hard could really use a break and would appreciate a little pampering – So I did that for them instead.

The sad news is, Jack Layton passed away from his second battle with cancer on Monday.  Canadians everywhere seemed to have taken the above last line from his “Letter to Canadians” (a beautiful letter he wrote just two days before his passing – if you haven’t read yet take a look: http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/story/2011/08/22/pol-layton-last-letter.html?ref=rss) and made it their own.  Even if you didn’t vote NDP or believe in his political agenda, it seems he has moved millions with these last, simple words.  I admit, it reads well.  It is an incredible idea to imagine, isn’t it?  I think it touches a part of all of us because we are all human despite our differences whether they be political, religious or personal and in the end don’t we all want to live happily, lovingly and positively?  If we did, we would literally change the world.

I didn’t know Jack Layton personally.  I barely knew what he stood for but my vague impression was he always seemed like a good guy who believed in what was best for our Country.  This is clear reading his touching letter to all of us. 

Life is short.  In most cases too short.  How can we even begin to explain why these things happen?  I am happy that Jack was able to share with us his thoughts and feelings but it couldn’t have been easy for him writing those words knowing he wouldn’t be here to feel the outpouring compassion, love and heartfelt gratitude from all of us.  If I didn’t have it before the letter, I certainly have it for you now Jack and I know I am not the only one.  I wish you were still here to see the impact you have made.

Most times, we wait until it is too late to let someone know how we really feel about them.  We take for granted that we will see them again.  We postpone plans, break promises  and tell white lies thinking we will always have a chance to make it up to them.  Once in a while we will be reminded to do this when we or someone close to us is faced with tragedy.  Do it now, let’s not wait.  Live for the moment.  Life can change at any moment so tonight hold on to those you love, who you hold dear and never let another moment pass where those you love are left to wonder how you really feel about them.

I want it in black and white:

S. J. T. P.  you are the loves of my life and I will be forever be thankful for what you have all brought into my existence.  You are the sisters I never had and I feel so blessed that you allow me to ramble, cry, love, make bad decisions and allow my dramatic side to show and love me under it, over it and straight through it time and time again.  You always keep it real and never sugarcoat.  You have my back and I will always have yours.  The endless laughing, the unbelievable experiences and adventures we all share hold a special place in my heart.  You are my rocks and have shown me what unconditional love truly means and have helped me realize that it actually exists.  I love you eternally, unconditionally and look forward to many more adventures with each of you.  Words will never come close to how it feels in my heart so I hope these words help you understand.

If we all lived in a world where people abided by love not hate, hope not fear and optimism not despair there is no end to the possibilities of what we could do.  It all starts with us so let’s hope those who posted Jack’s touching words start to live them.

Blog Soon,

PFF

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The Truth Comes Out

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”   Marilyn Monroe

So just under two months ago, I was told I wasn’t wanted anymore.  After a significant amount of time, energy, tears, frustration, worry, hard work, feeling passion and building relationships – I was told that I was no longer someone that they wanted.  This made me incredibly sad and disappointed and I have done a pretty good job of focusing on other things until today.  Today, I am mourning the loss of something that has been a part of my life for almost 10 years and it really hurts.  I can be the life of a party at the best of times, but at the worst of times?  You may wish you never knew me. 

I bet you may be thinking I am going to tell you about my relationship ending.  Nope, not today.  When it comes to work I am dedicated.  I work hard and would do anything for anyone (just like in my personal life).  I take pride in what I do and if I am told something that needs to change, I change it.  After 9 years of service, I was told to not come back next season.  There, said and done in about 30 seconds.  No, literally, it took less than a minute to give me my letter and send me on my way without a valid reason other than deciding to go in a different direction.  Not my performance.  In fact, the day before they requested the meeting they had asked me to work an off season event and I declined due to an existing conflict.  Truth be told, I was devastated but didn’t let it show.  I was cool, confident, polite and so proud of myself for not crying and adding even more humiliation to the situation.  With my new “accepting the past I cannot change” attitude, I have been trying to find the positive: I don’t have to miss another social event on an evening or weekend between September and April again.  Sure, it may sound pathetic but whatever works right?

Marilyn has a point and it can apply to any situation.  I always looked at the quote above to be used toward a man who didn’t deserve how great I am if he couldn’t handle the less than perfect side of me.  In reality, these words can apply to anyone, in any situation, work or personal.  If you can’t handle the worst (being on my blackberry with no guests in the suite before the start of a game) then you don’t deserve my best (creating memorable and special experiences for guests 60 – 80 nights a year on average for 9 years).  Nope, you don’t deserve my loyalty, friendliness, weekends, outgoing and happy nature and dedication to create a wow factor and remind people why they attend games even though the teams lose most of the time.  Honestly, I know that things happen and although I can’t quite understand it just yet, something good has to come out of it….it just has to.

The only reason I am writing about this today is because I feel that with social media, we tend to put a positive spin on everything.  I never mentioned that this happened on Facebook or Twitter because I was embarrassed and was scared of what people would think of me.  People wouldn’t think I was too Fabulous when they found out that I was canned like tuna.  With Facebook in particular I think people tend to sugarcoat the realities of what is going on in their life.  We are all guilty of it, even me.  Never posting a terrible picture of myself.  Freaking out and having my friend delete a not-so-attractive shot that I have been tagged in.  I notice “friends” posting statuses that reflect how incredible their relationship is when in reality it isn’t doing so great.  I personally would appreciate people being real.  I do admit some things are a little too real and not Facebook appropriate.  You catching your wife cheating on you? Not really a Facebook staus update people want to read – but eluding to it and not answering or saying you can’t talk about it when someone picks up on it and asks you? Annoying as hell.  If you have something to say, say it.  If you want people to know, tell them.  Don’t act coy when someone asks you either.  You put it out there to get the attention, maybe to talk about it so just answer.  Isn’t that what you really wanted anyway?  There was one time when I was devastated and put it as my status.  It was pretty pathetic, I can honestly admit now – perhaps a bit dramatic – but necessary to express my feelings of obscurity and desperation at that very moment.  My friend called me immediately to tell me to remove it.  I did.  Did I resent her for judging me on expressing my feelings? A little.  Did I appreciate her effort so I didn’t look like a complete moron to hundreds of people? Absolutely.  Some things are best kept to yourself but if you must, keep it real…stop faking everything because people can see right through it.

Maybe I feel safer expressing this negative experience here on this form of social media because you actually have to read my blog to learn certain things about me.  Maybe because you have read for a while or maybe you want to read what I have to say.  Maybe because some of you have told me that you appreciate my honesty and can identify with certain situations.  Perhaps because it isn’t limited to less than 140 characters.  Maybe, just maybe I know that we all have our insecurities, terrible experiences and shitty things that happen to us and someone like me who claims to be Fabulous – isn’t that Fabulous afterall.  I keep it real, I keep it pretty honest and I don’t judge and I hope for the same from you.  If you have ever felt unwanted, rejected or sad because someone else made you feel not good enough – don’t worry, the truth is we have ALL been there at one time or another and when a door closes, usually a window of opportunity opens just the way it’s suppose to…holy preaching cheesy cliches!

We just need to be patient and remember Marilyn’s sentiment.  If they (no matter who “they” are) can’t handle us at our worst, they sure as hell don’t deserve us at our best…just a little reminder to myself and those who may be feeling a tad of what I am right now.

Blog Soon,
PFF 

 

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A Turkey Affair to Remember

It is 10:20am and I just ate the lunch I made at home.  Was it that my culinary creation of turkey and tomato on whole wheat was so inviting that I just had to get up on it? or was it that fact that I didn’t eat breakfast?  Nope, I clearly remember making some breakfast at home.  Let’s be real, it wasn’t so long ago that I wouldn’t remember, what, an hour had passed?  I ate a small whole wheat wrap with banana, a teaspoon of peanut butter and a sliced up banana drizzled with half a teaspoon of honey.  So why would I feel the need to eat my sandwich and fibre one bar so early?  Oh, and some fresh cherries too.  Not all of them, but half of them.  On a normal summer day, I usually just have a tall or grande iced skinny vanilla latte from Starbucks and a fibre one bar then around 1pm I grab a sandwich or wrap and then go home and have dinner, all at reasonable times.  Now I will have to wait until 6pm to eat again.

Why today did I feel the need to binge on my innocent lunch?  The lunch that was prepared with love.  The lunch that was made with my love….as my love is magic.  The lunch that didn’t ask for anything but to be eaten at a normal hour, none of this 10am business.  My answer? no clue.  I have no idea why I couldn’t resist.  In no way am I a domestic goddess – so this sandwich wasn’t like the be all and end all of sandwiches.  The sandwich didn’t ask me to eat it.  One thing I do remember about this morning is that I got really irritated so maybe that is what lured me in.  Maybe feeling irritated led to feeling lonely and I felt compelled to fill the emptiness.  Turkey was there for me.  Turkey said, “I will give you what you need, I am here for you.  My friend Tomato is here too and we will make you feel oh so good”.  That was it I guess.  Although I do love Turkey, Turkey doesn’t love anyone at 10am.  Right now I feel sick.  I feel full and gross and all the things I can’t stand about eating more than I should.  Why do I do this to myself?   It is like dating someone who takes and takes and takes and you get nothing in return but heartache.  No, I don’t consider myself to be in a relationship with Turkey, but for people who don’t understand the metaphor of my relationship with the Turkey sandwich this morning, I am hoping to help you understand with an example you can possibly relate to.

On another note, I overheard a conversation recently that I found interesting.  This conversation was focused on extremely overweight people.  I never considered myself obese, but I guess according to my weight / height chart at the dr’s office I am.  The great thing is that I am here, working on it.  Slowly but surely I will get there.  This convo I overheard motivated me.  It actually disgusted me because I heard one person saying a size 16 is  MASSIVE.  I am a size 16.  I am in no way proud of it, but as soon as I heard those words, tears immediately welled up in my eyes as I began to cry.  I fully understand that the conversation had nothing to do with me.  Perhaps it was my ego that kicked in, my defenses went up and I felt a tad angry.  Angry at myself for letting those words hurt me.  Angry at myself for allowing my body to look like this.  Angry at myself for being so out of control on the inside I let it show on the outside and represent who I am.    Fat is not who I am, nor who I want to be.  Phat? Absolutely, but in a Phly way.  My poor choices and inability to properly cope with my feelings led me here.  My advice to those who have issues with people who have weight issues: shove it up your ass.  We don’t judge you on your incessant need to try to be cool by worshipping brands you can’t afford or trying to be something or someone you aren’t.  We don’t sit and talk about how pathetic you are for making your terrible life choices.  We certainly don’t judge you for being so insecure that you need to tear people you don’t know apart in order to make yourself feel better about your own life.  Guess what?  YOU AREN’T PERFECT EITHER SWEETIEPIE!  What gives you the right to judge someone because they eat their feelings?   Everyone has a coping mechanism, ours may just happen to be food.  Maybe it is a medical condition? (mine clearly is not).  Maybe before having an opinion on a matter you may know nothing about…maybe consider that the Phatty you are talking about already feels horrible enough serving a sentence in a body that everyone around them gawks at, whispers about and makes fun of when they think noone is listening?  Your words only add to the torment we/they already are faced with on a daily basis.  On behalf of anyone who has found it challenging to lose weight, whether it be overeating, a medical condition or even just losing the baby weight – Stop being so mean and judgemental and appreciate the fabulous people around you, especially the ones who are trying to make the change!  They already feel shitty enough without you adding to it!  When everything else fails,  just go with the age-old saying: if you can’t say anything nice, keep your motherf&*king mouth shut!  Ok, so those weren’t the exact words but you catch my drift.

To be honest, I am glad I heard this conversation.  I needed motivation to get my ass in gear and as much as I hate the words “Size 16 is Massive”, I can appreciate my reaction and recognize yet again that I am the only one who can change it.

Blog Soon,
PFF

 

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LOVE: An Inconvenient Truth.

Carrie Bradshaw said it best:
“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love”.
 
Fiona Eadie said this in response:
“Aren’t we all?”  then moments later… “Love? Love Sucks…”
 
 …sucks the life out of you that is.  It’s not as if I am sitting here listening to incredibly sad and romantic love songs as I write this post.  Ok, maybe I am.  Whitney does have a knack for singing perfectly the “my heart has been ripped out, tossed aside and I need to slit my wrists” kind of song…(I am referring to Whitney pre-“Bobbay!”, pre-drug addiction and pre-Mariah Carey of course).  Where DO broken hearts go Whitney?  Can they find their way home?  She questions “If someone loves you, wont they always love you?” and lies to us  “If you look in their eyes you will know that they still care for you”.  What if they have left and you can’t see their eyes Whitney??  What are we suppose to do then?  
 
I remember exactly where I went wrong.  My first mistake when it comes to matters of the heart was at the tender age of 9, where I would sing Whitney’s “Saving all my love for you” passionately into my hairbrush in my room.  My audience consisting of my loyal stuffed animals as they listened intently to my heart wrenching rendition.  Professing that indeed, I would save all of my love for “him” whoever “him” was at the time.  They understood.  They could feel the angst.  How could they not?  You think Kurt Cobain was a tortured soul?  Try listening to a broken hearted 4th grader with bad hair in the 80’s (and by bad hair, I mean really, really bad hair).
 
I guess another mistake when it came to love was looking to Whitney for advice on the subject.  Not only did her lyrics steer me wrong and cause confusion but watching her life spiral out of control when she married “Bobbay!” proved to be the beginning of the end.  The sad thing is she seemed to put so much of herself into him that she eventually lost focus of who she was.  She got caught up in a man.  I am sure a lot of us have been there at one time or another.  Then again, it is possible when he presented her with a diamond the size of an olympic sized skating rink that she started to simply ignore the bad behaviour. I don’t blame her, she was perhaps blinded by the light from the reflection of her ring.  Why oh why Whitney did you fall for a bad boy?  Maybe she had something to prove to her mother or simply wanted to shed her innocent good girl image.  Whatever it was, she was in love and it consumed her to the point of becoming a walking / talking / no longer singing  but definitely sweating train wreck.  Lucky us to have been able to watch.
 
Thus begs the question: What is wrong with us as women?  Why are we so drawn to the dark, mysterious, commitment-challenged perpetual bad boy?  We all say we want a nice guy…but when we are faced with “nice”, we are bored out of our fricken minds.  Sometimes he is too nice, or too smart.  Sometimes he is kind of a dork.  Sometimes he wears his pants too high and talks about science stuff.  Whatever the issue is, half the time we have no idea of what we actually do want and by the time we figure it out, it’s too late.  Some girl with an annoying voice, mousy brown hair (let’s not mistake mousy brown for fabulous brunette) wearing cat embroidered sweaters and who has no life somehow snags the one guy on your roster that got away.  The nice, kinda cute and boring nerds give up on the Fabulous and marry “Mouse Brown Jones”.  I am certainly no “Mouse Brown Jones”.  I am “Fancy Fabulous Fierce” and a lot of the time I, like many, have been known to waste my time on the seemingly troubled assholes who we wish saw us for our Fancy Fabulous Fierce-selves.  We should be punished for our own bad behaviour in not giving geeks a chance!  
 
Editor’s note: Another thing…when we as women don’t get what we think we want – look out guys, there is nothing more terrifying than a woman who is pissed off at you and wants revenge.  By “Terrifying” I mean watch the movie Fatal Attraction and you will begin to understand.  If you have seen it then you are fully aware of what it entails, and it isn’t pretty.  All I can say is good luck if you choose to continue with your bad behaviour.
 
In all seriousness, Love doesn’t really suck.  It can though, especially when the person you love doesn’t love you the same way back.  It can be heart wrenching.  It can have you on the floor crying endless pools of tears listening to “Someone like you” by Adele.  It can feel empty and it can certainly hurt like a mot%$$fu$%er.  Carrie Bradshaw (if you still have no idea who CB is you have bigger issues here) sums it up beautifully.  All we are really looking for is real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.  Even me.
 
Let’s do our Fancy Fabulous Fierce-selves a favour and not follow Whitney’s lead.
 
Blog Soon,
PFF

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Past, Present or Future?

So Monday’s are the day I usually disclose my current weight, how much I have lost or gained and where I went wrong.  The Big Phat Weight Reveal will not be happening today.  I did weigh myself today and I was happy with the result.  Not joyous or anything, happy as I can be that it wasn’t a gain or the same, but in fact a loss.  Although I know it is probably a matter of water weight, last week’s number went down by four.  Hey, I will take a loss over a gain anytime.  I am not sharing the number, not because I am completely humiliated  I have let myself get to this point (ok, maybe a little bit) but because I am just not ready for that type of reveal.  I am ready for the challenge, but I will start recording numbers when I get down to 219lbs.  I will also confess my starting weight so you can be even more impressed with my results.  Can you believe it? I am heavier than my previous heaviest weight ever…isn’t that awful? Talk about lack of control with Poutine and pizza  The past isn’t what matters when trying to start new, the present and future is.  I want to see a future, that is why it is pertinent that I stay focused on this journey.

The past, present or future….where do you think you live?  I mean really LIVE.  When I was young girl I dreamed of a better life.  I dreamed of the future that included a mansion, a convertible, my one true great love Jordan Knight or Jeff Maher and everything surrounding me would bring me the ultimate happiness.  I used to think I would be famous, live in NYC and the possibilities of my accomplishments were endless.  I had always wanted to be a writer.  I grew older, harsh realities came (my singing voice wasn’t as good as I had thought singing all that Whiney Houston in my room) and I was faced with living in the moment, day to day trying to survive and establish myself in something, anything.  I always imagined all the hard work would get me to this magical place when I got older.  I don’t see any unicorns…yet.

I admit it, in my late 20’s up until recently I have lived  in the past – asking why things happened the way they did.  I focused on the pain, the hardship and tried to come up with reasons why things happen the way they do.  Living in the past is not fun. Wondering what could have been, what should have been.  I was literally stuck in my past while my life was passing me by.  Oprah said it on one of her shows and it hit me.  “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different”.  What a revelation.  This simple statement resonated with me.  Instead of wishing and hoping and wondering what could have been, I realize that nothing I wished or wondered  will change anything that has already happened.  I give up the hope that the past could have been any different.  All I can do is truly forgive everything for myself and move forward.  I owe it to myself to live my life happily and not waste one more second living in the past wishing for anything else.

Now that I am 35 I want to start really concentrating on my future.  I have a future and although it took me a while to get here and realize it, I am here.  The present is great…I do live in the present and I tend to make decisions for the not so distant future – like deciding in April that I was going to go to Paris and Rome in September.  I do think it is important to live for the day, for the moment and have no regrets as well.   I never imagined that I would own a house or condo but this year I started thinking and believing that I actually could.  After this trip in September, I want to focus on saving as much as I possibly can for a place I can truly call my own.  I want to invest in the future of Fabulous and I think I am a great place to start. 

Now think about it, where do you really live?  I think a balance of present and future is the way to go…but that’s me.

My Future is not giving up the hope that the possibilities of my life are endless

 Blog Soon,

PFF

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