Monthly Archives: October 2010

One Week Clean.

Soooooo….I bet you may be wondering where the heck I have been lately.  Oh, I have been around.  Since “Loathing and hatred in Toronto”, I have been struggling (loathing and hating) and eating and spiraling into my terrible food addiction.  Here it is, another Monday and as much as I want to write to you and tell you I have been doing great, if I am being honest with you – I can wholeheartedly say I have been for exactly one week today.  I figured I owed it to you rather than tell you I am trying and show no back up proof.   I wanted to prove to myself for one full week that I could behave and eat like a normal, healthier human being. 
I am happy to say that I did and I am very proud of my accomplishment.  I haven’t started any crazy work out regime because frankly I am just not into it just yet.  I’d rather try to teach myself how to eat properly, that is why for the past week (along with the help of a bff) I have been counting points (Weight Watchers) and writing every single thing I have put into my mouth down.  It is amazing what this one number (the allotment of points per day) does to the psyche.  It is amazing to actually keep a food journal and write everything I consume down when I consume it.  I actually feel guilty (that I haven’t been successful up to this point) but proud at the same time that I am practicing self-control once again.  Starbucks non-fat no foam latte? 2 points; 10 triscuit parmesan & garlic crackers with three marble cheese crackercuts 5 points;  This past week I have used my oven more than I ever have because I have been cooking my meals – I may have to find another storage area for my games after all. 

The fact is that I love to write.  I love writing out my feelings here but what I hate is that I have put all of this pressure on myself to impress myself and show all of you that I can do this.  AS much as I LOVE the positive reinforcement, positive comments and encouragement you all are so kind to share….I know that I am the only one who can do this for me.  I need to do this for me.  So again, here I am, not giving up – don’t you know by now that I am a survivor?  I don’t give up.  I never give up.

So what put me in the mindset?  Along with having to try on a suit for work and worried sick  about the humiliation of if it didn’t fit….Someone told me the Friday before last that I only have to be successful once.  That clicked immediately with me.  He lost 80lbs.  He knows the struggle.  He knows the addiction very well.  He has helped himself and it shows.  He is the one who went to the gym.  He is the one who made excellent food decisions.  He is the one standing in front of me, 80lbs lighter and continues to eat healthy.  His lifestyle changed because he wanted to be healthy, he wanted to feel comfortable in an airplane seat.  He wanted to shop in stores that everyone else can shop in and buy clothes easily off the rack.  He didn’t want to die.  His heart, his lungs, his back, his feet – his body thanks him continuously for taking away 80lbs that was making it work so hard.  He never really felt rested because while he was sleeping, his body was working so hard just laying there.  Now he feels rested.  His turning point was that he heard the term little old men all the time.  He wondered, where are all the large old men – he realized the reason you don’t hear that term is because there are no old large men – they are all dead before they can be considered old.  I thank this man for not judging me when I explained I don’t want to diet, I want the lifestyle change and I have started so many times but ruin it.  That’s when the most magical thing he could have said, I would only have to get it right one time.  Just once.  Doesn’t that sound easy?  It is so true.  I only have to be successful one time – that doesn’t sound so hard when you put it that way.  I gave myself the weekend to get out any junk food, bad habit and quit cold turkey on Monday.  I am so glad I did and have lost 5.8lbs.  I also bought the WW electronic scale yesterday.  I was going to wait another 3 weeks before telling you my 1 month loss so I could impress you with a fantastic number but who am I kidding – when I have happy news, I want to share it immediately!  A loss is a loss, regardless if it is mainly water weight – it still makes me feel positive and my body is telling me that this is good for me.  I am telling my body, my mind, my heart – I love you and you deserve this.

I am actually joining WW this upcoming Saturday.  I am glad I am going in 2 weeks already practicing my point counting, and besides the free registration ends this Saturday…I love a deal and going to the meetings will make me feel strong and hopefully gain inspiration every week to keep on going.  I also have someone very close to me with the same goal so it helps we can talk about what we ate, what we are eating, what we are counting etc. etc. etc.

I want this to be the last time I start.  I want to look like Jennifer Hudson, Sarah Rue (who looks incredible) or anyone I know personally that has gained weight, but then lost it – and looks fantastic.  I want to be successful one time.  I want to be happy with myself.  The truth is, I want to love myself more than anyone and I know that once I can’t tell myself I am Phat anymore, I will only be able to focus on positive and live my life without excuses or reasons on why I can’t do something because of my size or because of the way I look.  I still want to wear Louboutin’s, a pencil skirt and lay in fur on a chaise lounge and be photographed like Kate Winslet….and cover my walls in my beauty.  That would be ultimate.  That and of course just feeling fabulous like Eva Mendes in lingerie.

The Ultimate, Part 2

If I can do this – actually, when I do this – which I know I can because I am smart, driven, dedicated and fabulous…..by the time I turn 35 next July – I will be oh-so-Fabulous…..and some of you may not recognize me right away 🙂

Blog Soon,

PFF

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