Week 9 Numbers Game:
Weight: 225 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 1
Lbs gained this week: 0
Lbs still needed to lose: PLENTY
Desserts consumed: 0
Starbucks Cookies: Zero
Peanut Butter by the spoon: One
KM walked: Didn’t make the gym once this past week.
This is impossible. How wrong is it to loathe my body and myself? I hate it. I was at a fabulous non bridal shower yesterday and pictures were taken that I can’t even bare to look at. I look disgusting. I am massive. Enormous. rhinoceros like. It literally brings me to tears thinking of how I let myself get to this point? Clearly, I am not 100% dedicated to this right now and seeing those pictures is humiliating. They are awful. I used to be beautiful – and I can’t believe I used to beat myself up about being Fat. I was overweight but not like I am now. I used to be photogenic but not anymore. I am the obese fat girl that everyone is so glad they are not. The one they don’t ever want to be and are thankful that they don’t look like. I would never want to look like this but here I am, fat. Sloppy. Messy. Ugly. Ya, you may say I am being too hard on myself but it is amazing what pictures can do and how they can open your eyes. I want to do this, I do – but I just can’t seem to make it happen for myself. I don’t want to look like this anymore. This is not me. I can’t possibly be happy looking like this for one more day. I can’t stand it. It makes me want to eat even more, but I wont. I need to start walking outside again, I was getting results doing that 12-13km 3 – 4 times a week and watching more closely what I consumed. I have been limiting myself but clearly not enough.
HOW DID I GET SO OUT OF CONTROL?
WHY CAN”T I COMMIT?
WILL I EVER LOVE MY BODY AGAIN?
I am seriously considering Weight Watchers there is a meeting Wednesday at the YMCA near me, and using that to track my weight and keep me on track may be the answer? People seem to love it and find self-control there and although it didn’t work for me the first time, perhaps it will kick my ass into gear and be exactly what I need. Sit in a room, full of women and possibly men who can’t control themselves when it comes to food. Who want to look and feel better. Women and men who are going through the same feelings / emotions about their body that I am. The self loathing needs to stop and when I lose the first 25lbs, I will start to feel a million times better. Clearly, humiliating myself in front of all of you was not enough of a push. Starting the new blog, was not enough. I am so embarrassed that I look like this and that I am just a big fat failure, no way near fit and fabulous. A year later from the start of this blog and I am 6lbs heavier than when I started. May as well be a 1000. You all must be thinking the same thing, how pathetic I am that I haven’t done it or haven’t succeeded with this. I assure you, I know I am a failure. I must sound like I talk a big game and I assure you, I had the greatest of intentions and wanted to prove to you (as well as myself) that I could finally do it. The thing with me is, I never give up when I want something. Through good, through bad if I want something I wont give up and hopefully this reality check will work and get me back on a serious, steady, dedicated and successful track.
Today is not a good day. This is the weigh in from last week I just didn’t have a chance to write as it was insanely busy. I will weigh myself tomorrow, perhaps I should go to a farm and weigh myself with the other livestock.
FAT, NOT FIT and still a little bit fabulous.