Monthly Archives: August 2010

Big Phat Weight Reveal #9 – Loathing & Hatrid in Toronto

Week 9 Numbers Game:
Weight: 225 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 1
Lbs gained this week: 0
Lbs still needed to lose: PLENTY
Desserts consumed: 0
Starbucks Cookies:  Zero
Peanut Butter by the spoon: One
KM walked:  Didn’t make the gym once this past week.
Poutine: Zero

This is impossible.  How wrong is it to loathe my body and myself?  I hate it.  I was at a fabulous non bridal shower yesterday and pictures were taken that I can’t even bare to look at.  I look disgusting.  I am massive.  Enormous.  rhinoceros like.  It literally brings me to tears thinking of how I let myself get to this point?  Clearly, I am not 100% dedicated to this right now and seeing those pictures is humiliating.  They are awful.  I used to be beautiful – and I can’t believe I used to beat myself up about being Fat.  I was overweight but not like I am now.  I used to be photogenic but not anymore.  I am the obese fat girl that everyone is so glad they are not.  The one they don’t ever want to be and are thankful that they don’t look like.  I would never want to look like this but here I am, fat.  Sloppy.  Messy. Ugly.  Ya, you may say I am being too hard on myself but it is amazing what pictures can do and how they can open your eyes.  I want to do this, I do – but I just can’t seem to make it happen for myself.  I don’t want to look like this anymore.  This is not me.  I can’t possibly be happy looking like this for one more day.  I can’t stand it.  It makes me want to eat even more, but I wont.  I need to start walking outside again, I was getting results doing that 12-13km 3 – 4 times a week and watching more closely what I consumed.  I have been limiting myself but clearly not enough. 

HOW DID I GET SO OUT OF CONTROL?

WHY CAN”T I COMMIT?

WILL I EVER LOVE MY BODY AGAIN?

I am seriously considering Weight Watchers there is a meeting Wednesday at the YMCA near me, and using that to track my weight and keep me on track may be the answer?  People seem to love it and find self-control there and although it didn’t work for me the first time, perhaps it will kick my ass into gear and be exactly what I need.  Sit in a room, full of women and possibly men who can’t control themselves when it comes to food.  Who want to look and feel better.  Women and men who are going through the same feelings / emotions about their body that I am.  The self loathing needs to stop and when I lose the first 25lbs, I will start to feel a million times better.  Clearly, humiliating myself in front of all of you was not enough of a push.  Starting the new blog, was not enough.  I am so embarrassed that I look like this and that I am just a big fat failure, no way near fit and fabulous.  A year later from the start of this blog and I am 6lbs heavier than when I started.  May as well be a 1000.  You all must be thinking the same thing, how pathetic I am that I haven’t done it or haven’t succeeded with this.  I assure you, I know I am a failure.  I must sound like I talk a big game and I assure you, I had the greatest of intentions and wanted to prove to you (as well as myself) that I could finally do it.  The thing with me is, I never give up when I want something.  Through good, through bad if I want something I wont give up and hopefully this reality check will work and get me back on a serious, steady, dedicated and successful track.

Today is not a good day.  This is the weigh in from last week I just didn’t have a chance to write as it was insanely busy.  I will weigh myself tomorrow, perhaps I should go to a farm and weigh myself with the other livestock.

Blog Soon,

FAT, NOT FIT and still a little bit fabulous.

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Big Phat Weight Reveal #8

Week 8 Numbers Game:
Weight: 226 lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 0
Lbs gained this week: 4
Lbs still needed to lose: PLENTY
Desserts consumed: 0
Starbucks Cookies:  Zero
Peanut Butter by the spoon: One
KM walked:  5
Poutine: Zero

Ok – so WTF? I get on the scale yesterday morning, after I got back from the gym – yes, you heard correctly – was at the gym AGAIN yesterday morning and get back and weigh myself and I am 226lbs.  Disgusting.  I did drink a lot of water and have a banana before I went but come on!  I am so frustrated right now.  As frustrated as I am I am not going to stop or eat a whole cake – although I want to right now.  I just ate an apple.  Later? An orange.  Oh the exciting life I lead – aren’t you glad you are reading?

To be honest, I am really trying here – and although I am not doing 12km every two days I am still getting up and walking / trying to run on the treadmill and making healthier choices.  Sure, I went to a Fabulous 6 year old’s birthday at Moroco Chocolat yesterday – and indulged with Eggs Benedict which is utterly mouth watering – that is not enough to put me over the edge.  Maybe my body is just tired of me trying to make it lose weight that it is taking a stand and telling me “if you want this, you are going to suffer”.  I guess with all the torture and pain I have caused my body, making it work so hard digesting cool ranch Doritos, poutine, cake, peanut butter – I guess I reached it’s breaking point and now it is payback.

I am going to see if I can get an electronic scale, I have said it before but it is one of those things – maybe it will tell me something I want to hear.  I like weighing myself nekkid, first thing in the morning when I haven’t eaten in more than 12 hours.  It feels better and it of course reflects better and tells me what I want to know.

I am not going to let this upset me too much because this is where I want to give up and eat everything in sight.  I have some stronger will power right now and I plan on using that to my advantage.  Someone very wise told me something yesterday that I can’t soon forget.  When walking / running on the treadmill, the treadmill is actually helping me – so it makes sense that when I was walking 12-13km every second day was making huge progress!  I don’t want to be lazy, I need to start walking that walk again.  It would mean leaving my apartment at 6am every two days, but I think I could swing it….again, slow and steady will win this race.

Some great food accomplishments lately:

1. I haven’t purchased anything from McDonald’s – ok, a (as in only one) Large diet coke – but it is because they are $1 all summer long!

2. I have not had Taco Bell and the only fast food I have picked up in the past few weeks was Chipolte and it is really impossible to ignore the best burrito and really the most delicious thing in Toronto – other than the newly opened Thompson Hotel’s “The Counter”  Turkey burger – which I will save for another post to describe the deliciousness that it is.

3. Not one chocolate bar in weeks. 

4. Eating much more fruit lately and vegetables too!

Blog soon,

PFF

 

 

 

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Big Phat Weight Reveal #7 – A few days late!!

Week 7 Numbers Game:
Weight: 222lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 2
Lbs gained this week: 0
Lbs still needed to lose: PLENTY
Desserts consumed: 1
Starbucks Cookies:  1/4 Ginger Molasses
Peanut Butter by the spoon: Zero
KM walked:  1 hour 
Poutine: Zero

So two gym dates last week proved to be challenging but rewarding.  Once I increase the number 2 to 4 – 5 in a week – I am sure I will start feeling a million times better!!  With only two times, it shows the difference it makes and I feel better overall – which is so wonderful!

PP&C was definitely a highlight, same with the man muscles I got to admire while sweating all over my treadmill.  I am so far behind, but I can’t beat myself up….as long as I keep on trying – as long as I wake up and make the effort by putting on the shoes, I have been told by someone very wise that the rest is easy.  Over the weekend I didn’t go to the gym – I really don’t want to push myself like crazy only to fail – we know this but with small goals that lead into successful larger goals, this week my goal will be to go on Saturday morning.  That will equal 3 times in a week if I follow through like I should.

On another note, I woke up this morning from a dream that I was running on a treadmill.  You know when they say “when you die in your dream, you die in real life” I started to think “Maybe I don’t have to go to the gym afterall since I did a pretty good work out while sleeping!”  It felt good, I literally could feel the sweat coming out of my pores, my heart seemed to be racing.  As much as my body was tired and the idea seemed logical – and add my longing to sleep for another hour… I still got up, out of my comfy bed, shook out the cobwebs and went.  I even ran a bit.  I am planning to go again tomorrow first thing – the only thing I may need to change is actually going to work directly after the gym as opposed to going home to shower.  I am not sure if I can get into the habit of seeing all that bush first thing in the morning.  You know exactly what I am talking about.  I like starting my day off in a positive way – and I am positive I wont be able to handle it.  Plus, lugging all of my stuff to the gym, lugging it to my car = not overly fun despite the magic of Starbucks, PP&C and Hot Man Muscles.  I have a car, so why not treat myself and save myself the pain!!

Starting next week, the plan is to meet PP&C at 6:30am to increase our exercise time, travel time and Starbucks time…all for the greater good of being fit and fabulous!!

Blog soon,

PFF

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