Monthly Archives: June 2010

Big Phat Weight Reveal #2

Here I am, one week in….I had some pizza yesterday – bad me but radical changes are not good – wont help me in the long term.  Other than that, this week I have been great!  I can only get better….right?  Fresh week, fresh meals, easier decisions.

Week 2 Numbers Game:
Weight: 225lbs
Lbs Lost this week: 2
Lbs gained this week: 0
Lbs still needed to lose: too many to count right now…
Desserts consumed: 2
Starbucks Cookies:  Zero
Peanut Butter by the spoon: 1 teaspoon
KM walked: Zero
Gym Dates: Zero
Zumba Classes: Zero
Booty Camp Classes: Zero
BodyFlow Classes : Zero
Glasses of Shiraz: Zero
Poutine: 2 forks
Emotional Breakdowns: Zero

Excuses: A few…. but didn’t give into many of my many, many cravings including the double stuf Oreo phase I was going through. 

Blog soon,

PFF

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What is a craving anyway?

We hear it all the time.  Some of us experience it a lot of the time, and I started to wonder, what is a Craving really?  Normal people wouldn’t think twice about it but since I am trying to cut out the food that is making me Phat, I figured it was worth looking a little further into the experience and meaning surrounding this popular word.

According to Merriam-Webster online:

Main Entry: crav·ing
Date: 1633 (this tells me they go a loooonnnngggg way back)
Definition: an intense, urgent, or abnormal desire or longing

The definition doesn’t specify that it correlates to food, but it should.  Expecting mothers everywhere are full of them. Watermelon in the middle of a snowy January night, the traditional pickles and ice cream and of course who can forget about all of the things that they can’t have while pregnant?  You would think if you are responsible for creating a heart, a couple of lungs, eyes, a brain and other organs, you know, a whole brand new living human being – you should be able to have some Brie and perhaps a cocktail or two for goodness sake.  (shout out to all baby mamma’s out there!) But no.  I hear about all of the things that my friend’s have to live without for 9 months (which is a lie by the way, 40 weeks is like 10 months, not 9 but noone ever really talks about that do they).  Perhaps an award for the dedication for that amount of time?  Baby wants Brie!  I am telling you.  No wonder these women in particular are known for their crazy cravings, can you blame them?  When I found my birth mother, I asked her what, if anything, did she crave when she was pregnant with me.  Call it curiosity but I wanted to know.  The answer? Kit Kats.  Deeeeelicious!  What an excellent and normal choice.  To be honest, I was relieved.  Technically, I could put some blame on my constant cravings for chocolate on her, but I wont go there.  I do love me some Kit Kat.

So, no, before you start the speculation, I am not expecting.  I just figured I would start with the people who have an acceptable reason for having intense, urgent, abnormal and longing feelings for many different food items.  For me, I have those without making lungs. I crave peanut butter & jam on pizza, maple syrup, pancakes, gooey cheesy pizza with garlic dipping sauce, poutine with extra cheese (I live above where the best in the city is prepared) and many, many other high fat, non-nutritional delicious fattening foods.  It feels like I am pregnant in the sense that I am not able to have the things I crave and desire on a consistent basis everytime I crave them.  I could, if I wanted to end up 500lbs plus – but I definitely don’t want that – 27lbs in the past few months is way more than enough and this time it needs to go for good.

True Love!

My question is how do I get through them?  Sometimes my cravings show up in the wee hours of the morning, middle of the day, a lot of the time when I lay my head to sleep.  Sometimes, yup, as I am sitting here writing this, I have a craving for hot chocolate – Godiva Hot Chocolate.  So smooth, rich and goes down so nice – even on a hot summery day like this one…oh how can I control myself?  How can I not give into temptation?  I would be ok  if it was Mr. Chipit – that cheap dollar store version of Easter Bunny chocolate – not like anyone craves that anyway, right?  Mmm….or Oreos – double stuf…delicious. (shout out T!)  I guess it is a game I will have to continue to play, but let me tell you – Nike didn’t prepare me for this.  The other question I have is why do I not crave the healthy stuff?  Once my body gets used to eating lighter and making healthier options, will I start craving lettuce?  Is it possible that lettuce whether it be romaine, iceburg, Boston or baby spinach – will replace the craving for gooey, cheesy, gravy-y poutine?  “Mmmm I can’t wait to eat like a rabbit tonight!  Who needs divine and delicious poutine anyway, I better hop over to this salad!’  How about a crunchy apple instead of warm apple crisp with lots of cinnamon and nutmeg?  This is going to be tough! 

I must admit, my fabulous friend (one of my many dietary leaders) told me about this amazing sounding delicious dish that I have been craving since she talked about it.  A small whole wheat wrap, a half teaspoon of peanut butter (you had me at “Peanut Butter”), a touch of honey and sliced banana – wrap it up and the perfect on-the-go breakfast.  I better take it ‘on the go’ otherwise I will be standing at my kitchen counter, dipping every bite into the jar of Peanut Butter.

Overall, this first week, the cravings  haven’t been awful to deal with.  I got past my day 3 without a hitch.  I am making better choices – which will get better as time goes on.  The fact is I am on the road to recovery and every small step will all add up to something grand!  This upcoming week, I will attempt exercise, even if it is walking up the Mount Pleasant mountain – I will make myself the goal of 3 times by next Monday.  See how easy that was?  I will go tomorrow, Friday and Saturday – let me know if you are interested in joining.

Woman, Food & God update – still on the first chapter – will read a chapter each night this week.

 Tomorrow? Big Phat Weight Reveal 2

Blog Soon,

PFF

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Diet’s Don’t Work – Do They?

What do Oprah Winfrey, Kirsty Alley, Elizabeth Manley, Jennifer Aniston, Sarah Rue, Queen Latifah, Valerie Bertinelli, Jason Alexander, Marie Osmond, the late Anna Nicole Smith, the former Duchess of York  Sarah Ferguson and most recently, Jennifer Hudson all have in common?

Oprah 67 lbs Lighter, 1988

To some of you, it may sound like a bunch of random reality tv celebrities who may appear on the next Surreal Life (with the exception of Oprah, Jennifer Aniston or Queen Latifah of course) -but many of you may have also recognized that at one time or another, they all have endorsed some sort of diet program that guarantees results.

Still not sure?  Check it.  My beloved Oprah, brought Optifast (a powder diet where she did not eat a morsel of food for four months) to light back  in 1988 when wearing her size 10 Calvin Klein jeans brought a wagon full of 67 lbs of animal fat representing how much weight she lost on to her stage in front of millions of viewers.  Onto Jennifer Aniston who easily has the most incredible body in Hollywood – how she got it? From a little book called “Enter the Zone” also known as The Zone Diet.  Nicknamed the “Dutchess of Pork” for her larger size, Fergie became the spokesperson for Weight Watchers for over 11 years losing over 50lbs.  The latest? Jennifer Hudson who went from a Size 16 to a svelte Size 6 on the same program.  I must admit, she looks amazing.  Elizabeth Manley the figure skating medalist  is the spokesperson for Herbal Magic; Kirsty Alley, Queen Latifah, Valerie Bertinelli, Sarah Rue & Jason Alexander have all been on the payroll for Jenny Craig – Kirsty and Queen didn’t last on the program but I am sure you remember a commercial or two showing results.  Actually, Kirsty Alley now has her own weight loss program in the works – we will see what happens with that. Nutrisystem worked for Marie Osmond and finally, Trimspa worked for Anna Nicole Smith.  Without the celebrity endorsements, there is Dr. Bernstein and LA Weight Loss as well as a variety of fad diets i.e. Cabbage Soup, Grapefruit, Atkins, 3 Day, Chicken Soup, Lemonade – the list goes on.  Honestly, do any of them really work?  

Have you tried any of the above diets?  I admit it, I have.  I have read the books too: Skinny Bitch – which traumatized me and realized instead of being a cute chick lit diet book it was really a sheep in wolves clothing.  It was a book that preached for its reader to become a vegan – explaining every detail of what happens to animals when they are slaughtered.  Did I mention the book made me cry?  I loved Make the Connection – by Oprah and Bob Greene – I lost 30lbs in 3 months – boy was I dedicated, that was back in 1996.  So dedicated I would sometimes run twice a day, not just once.  Eventually I gave up and gained the weight back when I went to college a year later.  I would always go back to that book, but it never gave me the same result.  Dr. Phil, Suzanne Somers and even Alicia Silverstone (yes, Clueless) have all penned diet books guaranteeing results.  As I shared in my latest blog, I have started reading “Woman, Food and God” – and I am hoping as a non typical diet book,  it will assist in reaching my goal. 

I tried LA Weight Loss – I quit within a week because I realized they have a very nice bait and switch scam going on.  The told me the date I would be at my goal weight.  The representative kept asking me, “don’t you want this? Join now” so I did, and quit the next day losing $200 in the process.  I joined Weight Watchers and lost only 9lbs.  With so many diets and so many diet books – how do you know which one is right for you?  How do I know which one is right for me and what will it take for it to stick and stay with me?  Are diets all they are cracked up to be?  All of the people above have proven that the programs are successful, as long as you follow them religiously and stick with them.  It seems to me, once you stop the program you have a chance of gaining all of the weight back.  I think back to everytime that I have lost only to gain – how can that not be true?  Oprah admitted after the famous 67 lbs weight loss show that she gained 10lbs within two weeks after that show because she started to eat again.  This time, I am hoping to be on the success side – by not “dieting” but changing my lifestyle slowly but surely to ensure longterm success. 

Editor’s Note: I give full credit to those who have been successful in their journey with the help of any diet and who have managed to keep the weight off because they have found what worked for them – I haven’t been so lucky to have it “click” and work long-term but here’s hoping!

Please share with me, what diets have you tried?  What has worked and not worked for you? What “clicked” for you?

 

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Big Phat Weight Reveal #1

So here it is, day one.  A fresh new blog format, a fresh new start. Please feel free to share what you think of the new location…

Day one isn’t so bad really but clearly the day is not over just yet.  So if you have read my blog before, you know the drill.  The Big Phat Weight Reveal is when I reveal my progress with you every Monday.  I let you know that I have lost weight or gained weight, how many Starbucks chocolate chunk cookies I have consumed (or hopefully not) and the amount of exercise I have achieved that particular week.  Since today is the first day, the only thing I can tell you is my actual weight.  Next Monday I will have some more timbits (err I mean tidbits) for you, but for now, the number is what you get.

Last time I did this, some of you were shocked that I would share my number, and believe me, it was a tad humiliating the first time.  Regardless, you were all very supportive and kind when the number was first revealed, went down or stayed the same week after week.  Even now that it has gone up you are showing so much support so I thank you and am hoping it continues.  I am a very lucky girl that you are all so nice.   If you or anyone you know has ever struggled with weight – you already know it is hard enough to talk about the struggle, deal with it and work through it let alone by sharing it with anyone who has access to the internet – especially people you know, or have had crushes on, past and current work colleagues or anyone in your life you have ever felt insecure around.  Don’t get me wrong, it is my choice to share my struggle and to be honest, I love it because I get to integrate my love for writing at the same time.  I am lucky because many of you inspire me with direct messages lending support, ideas and sharing your own struggles and successes which lets me know I am not alone in all of this and that it truly is possible I can reach my goal.  Yay You!

So the number…..Let me start by sharing with you that it isn’t a great feeling waiting for the number to settle once you decide to step on the scale – especially since I haven’t been on one in 3+ months.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Now, I told you on “the return” that I estimated my weight at 230lbs or 240lbs.  Those numbers are very high for me and thankfully, I haven’t gained as much as I thought – but I am still the most I have ever been.  Are you ready?  Maybe I should ask myself if I am ready…..yowsers.  Not just yet….Admitting failure and defeat are not my strong points, but the fact is I am getting back into a groove and my focus is now altered, it doesn’t really matter what I did, it only matters what I am doing about it now.  It is quite simple really, I want to change – so I will.  I am changing….like that song from Dreamgirls, but I will spare you the pain of me singing it for you.  It is a fabulous song though…. 

I am the only one who can talk myself out of bad food choices.  Fruit or chocolate bar.  Big Mac or salad.  Peanut Butter or – ok, again, I can’t give up peanut butter entirely but I can give up the spoonfuls that I love.  My fabulous girlfriend asked me once where my dog was when they went in my cupboard and found four jars of peanut butter.  At first I was very confused, because she knew I didn’t have a dog – so it literally took me a moment or two to catch on – I haven’t laughed that hard in a while.   Thinking about cottage cheese skin on thighs and you think that would be enough to stop me.  I have let my trainer (aka Aunt Shelley) know that I will not restrict my diet to eat like a bird, because that is only setting myself up to fail.  I know that I will have a bit of chocolate here, a bit of Gelato there – shout out to Ed’s Real Scoop on Queen – What! What?!.  I need to control myself and my portions.  Choices are easy – yesterday I went grocery shopping so I wouldn’t eat out for lunch at all this week.  I truly enjoyed it.  I love Longo’s.  I will eat my breakfast at home to avoid snacks/breakfast at Starbucks (I have also let my favourite Barista know not to serve me any pastries for the next little while until I am ok bringing back the low-fat Cranberry Muffin on days I don’t make time to eat). I will go home to prepare dinner – I bought so many wonderful things – like zucchini, eggplant, red plums, oranges, lemon, celery, romaine, chicken breast, tomatoes, red peppers, green peppers, carrots, bananas, strawberries, apples, blackberries and blueberries – all so fresh, all so healthy!  I can totally do this.  I am also going to bring back my friend, George Foreman to help me prepare my meals and soon enough I will feel better with my choices and continue to want to do better.  Most importantly my personal trainer is going to push me through the plateau / turnaround point this time..right at the point I want to give up or give in, she has promised she will be there to push me through it.  Thanks Shell.

One more thing before I reveal the number.  I just want to remind you this is what poutine, Starbucks chocolate chunk cookies,  croissants,  taco bell, McDonald’s, Pizza Pizza and volumes and volumes of food does to me, well would do to anyone really tied with sitting on my ass not exercising.  I wasn’t at 35,000 calories a day but it sure does feel like it thinking back.  The insatiable appetite tied with the fake “I don’t care anymore” attitude has gotten me to this really unattractive number.  It makes me question what I am thinking at the time of consuming and I have picked up a book called “Woman, Food and God”.  “Woman, Food and God” will supposedly tell me why I eat the way I do and hopefully help me work on the issues that lead me to overeat or not eat responsibly.  Come to think of it, they tell you to “Drink Responsibly” or with the lottery to “Play Responsibly”, they should have that certain warnings on food that isn’t good for you – “Please Eat Responsibly”.  Maybe if they put a picture of cellulite on food “this is what eating this will do to your ass”.  I would probably be less inclined to want to pick it up.  Even though I know generally that pizza is bad, vegetables are good – the picture may help food addicts like myself make healthier choices.  I should get a patent on this idea, it could fly but as usual,  I digress….I bought the book over a month ago and haven’t started reading it because I wasn’t ready to listen to what it had to say.  I wasn’t ready to admit I have a major problem and a possible addiction to food.  I know, sounds a bit ridiculous but it is the same reason I used to not open my hydro bills (you remember what happened, right?) I wasn’t ready to face it but ended up learning a lesson in all of it.  Oprah described this book on her site as this:

A provocative new book reveals the self-defeating truth about dieting, while lighting the path to a full and healthy life. Says Oprah, “This book is an opportunity to finally end the war with weight and unlock the door to freedom.” ’

Editor’s Note: if anyone is interested in reading  “Woman, Food and God” along with me, then perhaps we can start a book club to discuss….email me directly if you are interested…

Well book, I am ready now to listen and face the reality of what I have been doing to my mind, my body and my overall well-being and will make the healthier choice for myself to read you and see if what you have to say applies or will help me find my own freedom.

Ok, you have waited long enough.  The number, du da da dahhhh……. duecento e libber ventisei.  Translate it if you need to, it is in Italian.  For those who are not bilingual (or know that Google has a translation feature) this translates to 226 lbs.  I think it sounds much more exotic and beautiful in Italian.  They are right when they say Italians do it better.  I will pretend a hot Italian Chef is whispering it in my ear….delicious! Who needs to eat when you are fed words that sound like that?!  Seriously though, I am a bit humiliated and embarrassed but this is only a number and it will only represent how I am moving forward a month from now and will only remind me of who I don’t want to be anymore.  In the end, it will show me how hard I worked and how great I look.

Speaking of Oprah, I love Oprah.  I know, some of you probably don’t love Oprah.  In fact, I just entered the Oprah Ultimate Viewer contest for her upcoming 25th (and last) season – let’s hope I win!  When it comes to battling weight, she is the one celebrity that has gained and lost, gained and lost, only to gain again in front of millions and millions of people.  When she was 38 years old, she weight 238lbs, the most she ever weighed.  Although she lost in 1996 and gained back again with hard work and healthy choices she brought her weight down to 160lbs in 2005.  In January 2009 she admitted to the world on the cover of her magazine none the less that she had gained 40lbs and was now at a “dreaded 200lbs”.  If someone like Oprah, who has everything at her fingertips, who is the most successful, powerful, wealthy  and respected woman in the United States (other than Mariah Carey) has battled with her weight for her entire life,  I can’t beat myself up too much for falling off the wagon and gaining the weight I lost back, plus some new friends.  Again, it is good to know I am not alone and that it doesn’t make me a failure – it just means along with eating healthier and exercising, I need to figure out why I keep repeating the process and what the real issue is so I don’t repeat the same mistakes again.  Read here about her battle from the January 2009 issue of O Magazine: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Oprahs-Battle-with-Weight-Gain-O-January-2009-Cover.  A great read for anyone who has struggled with this issue.

Blog Soon,

PFF

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Welcome to the WordPress side!

Welcome Back!!!
 
I am so happy that you are here.  I am guessing that hopefully you read “The Return” yesterday and you have  also “Returned” because you are interested in following me on my journey, or that you want to see if this time I can acutally accomplish my goal.  It could also mean that you are on my Facebook and were invited by me to “Like” the Phat to Fit to Fabulous page (thank you and feel free to suggest the page to your friends!) or you may be able to identify with what I am trying to do – and looking for some inspiration or someone you can identify with – knowing that you aren’t alone in your own journey.  Maybe you are reading because you want to show your support.  Maybe there are some who read secretly, silently and vindictively hoping that I fail.  Regardless of the reason, I am very grateful you are here, willing to read my words, my journey, my truth – which gives me incredible strength to  know that I am not entirely alone here.
 
As you read yesterday, I am trying to get back on track.  I fell off the wagon somewhere between Thanksgiving  (three Thanksgiving dinners, remember?) and Christmas, everyday in between,  and numerous days since – it seemed only more difficult to get it together and start again and finish.  Here I am, starting over 6 months later. 
 
I keep making promises, only to fail myself and feel worse and continue to make very unhealthy choices.  Every Monday the same short lived promises.  I am going to start today by eating healthy and go to the gym.  Very short lived.  By the time I get to Starbucks at 8am, the Starbucks cookie wastes no time in seducing me.  Croissant anyone? What?! I love to pretend I am in Paris – yes, sadly, that is my justification.  The truth is, I am in Toronto eating for breakfast what could possibly be a full day calorie intake.  How about now that we are 2 days away from the first day of Summer – Caramel Frappucino? Sure, who cares, it’s Suuuummmmmeeeerrrrr! Chocolate bar from the vending machine at work? Who cares?!?! It’s not like it will make a difference.  I talk myself into every bad choice I make so I need to get revved up and psyched about talking myself into making the healthier choices.  Unhealthy choices taste so delicious at the moment – but they stay with me – on my ass, my neck phat and back phat to be exact.  Remember those pounds that went on vacation?  I told them when they left that they couldn’t come back – but they didn’t listen to me – they came back alright, along with some serious baggage.  It’s like they made some new friends, lovers, one night stands and whoever they met and decided to bring them back without even consulting me.  Where are the deportation officers when you need them?  Something should have stopped them.  Someone should have stopped them.  That irresponsible person that coulda, shoulda, would have -oh wait, the only one who could have is me and sadly, I didn’t.  But times are a changin’!
 
I responded to some of my Aunt Shelley’s questions last night and my favourite part was I had to send her pictures of famous people whose body types I hoped for for myself.  The natural first two choices were Eva Mendes and Kate Winslet of course, but also Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez, Scarlet Johansson and Beyonce were all on my personal list.  Now, the thing I love about all of these women is that they have shape and curve to them which I like and still want for myself.  The curvy club (although many are acutally a size 2 or 4 which should hardly be considered curvy).  Some think Jennifer Aniston has an incredible body, which for her age (anyone’s age really) she looks unbelievably incredible – like a foxy fox that is hot to trot- but I don’t yearn for her body type…although she does look fabulous in a pencil skirt.  The excellent thing I realized is, I don’t long to be a waif.  I can accept the fact that it is probably impossible for me to be a size 2 or 4 but again, if we are going on sizes, I would settle for an 8.  This is not about being as skinny as possible for me.  Sure, I definitely want to lose weight and maintain a healthy body since I only have this one – but when I was looking at those pictures I know for certain, I am not willing to let all of my weight go.  I like having a little cushin for the pushin – know what I’m sayin’ ladies?  That’s right, I said it.
Ok, for real? Looking gaunt or extremely muscular is not for me – I like real bodies – and I want to have a fabulous and fit one where I wake up I love looking at my nekkid body every single day.  So much so that I find it difficult getting to work on time or making appointments because I am just constantly staring at myself.  Perhaps you will find it difficult looking at how truly, truly ultra good looking I am, almost like Zoolander, but better!
 
Editor’s Note: One great thing about WordPress is that you can subscribe directly to my blog so you can be the first to read the latest drama sent directly to your mailbox whenever I post.  Pretty fabulous I must say…if you are new to my blog – please visit www.phattofittofabulous.blogspot.com where it all began – you will get some history and learn the challenges and successes I have discovered along the way.  I hope you continue and enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing.
  
Blog Soon, 
PFF

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The Return.

This is the prettiest picture I have taken since November 2009!

Editor’s Note: I have another blog by the same name at http://www.phattofittofabulous.blogspot.com and have decided to try WordPress to see how it works for myself and my readers. If you are new to my blog, Welcome!! I hope you enjoy and please feel free to visit blogspot to get some history….if you are a regular reader Welcome to WordPress and please let me know which space you prefer.

Dear Readers,

I know, it has been a while. A very long while. I hope you have all been well and to be honest, I have missed you and my blog very much. If I am willing to be honest with you as I usually try my best to be, I am embarrassed and you would be correct if you think I have been avoiding this blog with every meal, every snack and every single calorie I have taken in for the past 3+ months. Guilty as charged.

Every morning I wake up and feel frustrated, angry, disappointed and overwhelmed at the fact that not only did I lose only 20lbs of my 60lb goal and gain it all back, I also have some new weight that has never, ever, ever been on my body before and seems to be settling in quite comfortably – for it, not so comfortably for me. In fact, I am very uncomfortable. I touch my sides, my stomach, my neck and the other day I saw what looked like cellulite on the top part of my thighs. I never had cellulite, regardless of how much weight I have gained – so this is actually has made me quite upset. Although I look at that, and can see what I am doing to my poor poor body, I actually eat more bad stuff. I have the attitude that I don’t care while I am stuffing my face, but deep down, of course I care and hate myself almost immediately afterwards. I don’t want to feel like this or look like this. I used to be considered pretty, beautiful even. Now, I can’t even stand looking at pictures of me. The fact that all I ever seem to do when I look at someone on the street, on tv, in a magazine, at work – wherever, I am comparing my body to theirs for some sort of validation and comfort. That it is ok to look and feel this way because they do and talk myself into “I’m not so bad…”. Or when I see someone in a pencil skirt (if you remember my love for the pencil skirt) wishing that it could be me that looks that sexy and fabulous. “Do I look like that?” I ask myself, over and over and over again to every big or comparable girl that I can find. Nowadays, there are a lot more to see it seems, but it still doesn’t make it right for me.

Currently, I have no idea what I weigh, but I am guessing it is about 230 or 240. *Shameful* That is what it feels like anyway, I am literally afraid to face the scale again, even more afraid to share it with you. It isn’t even about the number, the fact is, I have never felt this big in my entire life – including everytime I have gained and lost, gained and lost only to gain again. One would think I like to play this game, but I assure you, I hate it. I can barely look in the mirror. What is stopping me at the third month (before I thought if I got through the 3rd day I would be ok) – a self fulfilling prophecy that I can’t actually follow through and reach my goal? Or is it just that I am lazy or deep deep down inside I don’t actually believe that I can do this and be successful? Do I really not want to be the best I can possibly be or look the best I possibly can? Ever since I was in high school, I have wanted to be the girl who shows up in September with the weight off and the hottest guy in school (which would have been Jeff Maher or Ryan Hassan in my opinion) would finally notice me and ask me out. There were a couple of girls that I remember that lost weight over the summer of Grade 9 and came back and they were complete knock outs – and they have managed to still look fantastic 15 years plus later. I start the ACC in October and that is my hope, to lose weight and not be the phat hostess in the lounge. The hostess that tries to hide her stomach, ass, thighs, back phat – the list goes on – in a suit that gets harder to fit into every single day.

In my own messed up mind, there are many things I could accomplish if I finally buck up and get through the weight challenge that has paralyzed me over the years. I would have dressed better, I would have more dates, I would have someone tell me they love me, I would have love from my family, I would be more successful, I would be more loveable and would change people’s minds about who they think I am if they saw the “real me” without the excess. Those are some things I think would happen if I were to reach my goal. I have hidden behind my weight and I have used it in every facet of why I couldn’t achieve something or get something I really, really wanted out of life and I am tired of being in the same position again – wanting to be thin and lose the poundage, but also want to stuff my face with a Big Mac whenever I want.

Someone super fabulous shared a Kate Moss quote that she keeps in her mind, “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels” and I am sure if I knew what it was like to be one of the “thin” girls I would abide by that as well. See? Here I go again, using my weight as an excuse. Why do I do that? Perhaps my bad habits need to be broken once and for all – this I know but it is the matter of actually doing it is what I need to work towards and proves to be very difficult.

What made me return today of all days you may be asking – there was a fire drill at work today. I walked up 9 floors and I was out of breath. There was a time when I could run up 21 flights of stairs in a few minutes – heck there was a time I climbed the CN tower in 28:02 (that is 28 minutes and 2 seconds). It took a while to catch my breath and felt incredibly out of shape because I am. I also took a look for the second time at the Slimband website and started crying looking at the success stories. Being thin or losing a significant amount of weight is not only a state of mind, it is required to ensure I live the best life I can. I can admit, I had a partial meltdown. Is surgery the only answer? Slimband is just a band, as opposed to Gastric Bypass…. Aren’t I stronger than that? So many times I have failed doing it on my own, so maybe I need something bigger and better? Surgery costs $16,000.00 CAD upfront or $21500.00 CAD over a period of 4 years financing. For $2900 down and $389 per month for 48 months, I could be skinny with just a band that gets refitted from time to time. It also provides lasting / long term results – what isn’t great about this procedure? Maybe I could try one last time the other method and put that money to other use perhaps? Reward myself with a fabulous month long vacation to Europe next year? Who knows….I mentioned my idea to my Aunt Shelley and she made a valid point, the surgery wont teach me how to eat properly and mentioned that I could do it without surgery.

My fabulous Aunt Shelley (my real Aunt!) is a certified personal trainer who thrives on fitness – who knew such a person existed, and why didn’t I get that gene? I have always noticed this in Shelley since we met in 1999, that she loves to run, workout etc. but now, in 2010 she is finally following her dreams and making her passion for personal fitness a reality by making it her business. Go Shelley! I shared with Shelley today my tears of frustration and fantasies of being skinny and she has agreed to help me every step of the way. Although she is located in Hamilton, she is going to put together a meal and exercise regime for me that is realistic for me – no grilled chicken every single day with a piece of lettuce and I did mention my hatred for weights (which I don’t think she will ever understand). I told her my fear of becoming bulky and muscular with weights and she told me it doesn’t have to be that way which makes me happy. She has a basic understanding of what I want, she knows I am girly and she knows already that I need positive reinforcements and support – I also mentioned I will be probably a very difficult client, but it will give her great experience for her business. She is sending me forms tonight which mean I will be sharing my weight and other embarrassing things. I need to let her know everything I eat over the next couple of days and she will go from there. The most important thing I have to do, other than keep with it is understand that smaller goals will keep me motivated – no more 60lbs goal – 10lbs by 10lbs – maybe even 5lbs by 5lbs – in the end, it all adds up and equals to reaching one fabulous goal.

I will start Monday. I am not sure about the Big Phat Weight Reveal, but if I want to accomplish anything, I liked sharing my progress with you as painful and humiliating at times as it was, there were some great feelings of accomplishment as well. Sharing it all while you provided support and continued to read my journey. I just really really want to impress myself and prove to myself I am not full of it and prove to all of you by actually accomplishing something for ME this time and of course provide some entertainment for all of you along the way, perhaps some inspiration.

You may have lost faith in me, but I hope you give me another chance and choose to follow me again on my journey to becoming Fit and Fabulous and burn off the Phat, once and for all! Hey, gotta give me credit for never giving up, right? 🙂

Don’t worry, there will still be my love for Pigeons, my love for Fall and discussions of too much bush in a changeroom – coming up soon? The Arnold Bootay….stay tuned.

Blog Soon, (it feels sooo good to say that!)

PFF

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