So here it is, day one. A fresh new blog format, a fresh new start. Please feel free to share what you think of the new location…
Day one isn’t so bad really but clearly the day is not over just yet. So if you have read my blog before, you know the drill. The Big Phat Weight Reveal is when I reveal my progress with you every Monday. I let you know that I have lost weight or gained weight, how many Starbucks chocolate chunk cookies I have consumed (or hopefully not) and the amount of exercise I have achieved that particular week. Since today is the first day, the only thing I can tell you is my actual weight. Next Monday I will have some more timbits (err I mean tidbits) for you, but for now, the number is what you get.
Last time I did this, some of you were shocked that I would share my number, and believe me, it was a tad humiliating the first time. Regardless, you were all very supportive and kind when the number was first revealed, went down or stayed the same week after week. Even now that it has gone up you are showing so much support so I thank you and am hoping it continues. I am a very lucky girl that you are all so nice. If you or anyone you know has ever struggled with weight – you already know it is hard enough to talk about the struggle, deal with it and work through it let alone by sharing it with anyone who has access to the internet – especially people you know, or have had crushes on, past and current work colleagues or anyone in your life you have ever felt insecure around. Don’t get me wrong, it is my choice to share my struggle and to be honest, I love it because I get to integrate my love for writing at the same time. I am lucky because many of you inspire me with direct messages lending support, ideas and sharing your own struggles and successes which lets me know I am not alone in all of this and that it truly is possible I can reach my goal. Yay You!
So the number…..Let me start by sharing with you that it isn’t a great feeling waiting for the number to settle once you decide to step on the scale – especially since I haven’t been on one in 3+ months. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Now, I told you on “the return” that I estimated my weight at 230lbs or 240lbs. Those numbers are very high for me and thankfully, I haven’t gained as much as I thought – but I am still the most I have ever been. Are you ready? Maybe I should ask myself if I am ready…..yowsers. Not just yet….Admitting failure and defeat are not my strong points, but the fact is I am getting back into a groove and my focus is now altered, it doesn’t really matter what I did, it only matters what I am doing about it now. It is quite simple really, I want to change – so I will. I am changing….like that song from Dreamgirls, but I will spare you the pain of me singing it for you. It is a fabulous song though….
I am the only one who can talk myself out of bad food choices. Fruit or chocolate bar. Big Mac or salad. Peanut Butter or – ok, again, I can’t give up peanut butter entirely but I can give up the spoonfuls that I love. My fabulous girlfriend asked me once where my dog was when they went in my cupboard and found four jars of peanut butter. At first I was very confused, because she knew I didn’t have a dog – so it literally took me a moment or two to catch on – I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. Thinking about cottage cheese skin on thighs and you think that would be enough to stop me. I have let my trainer (aka Aunt Shelley) know that I will not restrict my diet to eat like a bird, because that is only setting myself up to fail. I know that I will have a bit of chocolate here, a bit of Gelato there – shout out to Ed’s Real Scoop on Queen – What! What?!. I need to control myself and my portions. Choices are easy – yesterday I went grocery shopping so I wouldn’t eat out for lunch at all this week. I truly enjoyed it. I love Longo’s. I will eat my breakfast at home to avoid snacks/breakfast at Starbucks (I have also let my favourite Barista know not to serve me any pastries for the next little while until I am ok bringing back the low-fat Cranberry Muffin on days I don’t make time to eat). I will go home to prepare dinner – I bought so many wonderful things – like zucchini, eggplant, red plums, oranges, lemon, celery, romaine, chicken breast, tomatoes, red peppers, green peppers, carrots, bananas, strawberries, apples, blackberries and blueberries – all so fresh, all so healthy! I can totally do this. I am also going to bring back my friend, George Foreman to help me prepare my meals and soon enough I will feel better with my choices and continue to want to do better. Most importantly my personal trainer is going to push me through the plateau / turnaround point this time..right at the point I want to give up or give in, she has promised she will be there to push me through it. Thanks Shell.
One more thing before I reveal the number. I just want to remind you this is what poutine, Starbucks chocolate chunk cookies, croissants, taco bell, McDonald’s, Pizza Pizza and volumes and volumes of food does to me, well would do to anyone really tied with sitting on my ass not exercising. I wasn’t at 35,000 calories a day but it sure does feel like it thinking back. The insatiable appetite tied with the fake “I don’t care anymore” attitude has gotten me to this really unattractive number. It makes me question what I am thinking at the time of consuming and I have picked up a book called “Woman, Food and God”. “Woman, Food and God” will supposedly tell me why I eat the way I do and hopefully help me work on the issues that lead me to overeat or not eat responsibly. Come to think of it, they tell you to “Drink Responsibly” or with the lottery to “Play Responsibly”, they should have that certain warnings on food that isn’t good for you – “Please Eat Responsibly”. Maybe if they put a picture of cellulite on food “this is what eating this will do to your ass”. I would probably be less inclined to want to pick it up. Even though I know generally that pizza is bad, vegetables are good – the picture may help food addicts like myself make healthier choices. I should get a patent on this idea, it could fly but as usual, I digress….I bought the book over a month ago and haven’t started reading it because I wasn’t ready to listen to what it had to say. I wasn’t ready to admit I have a major problem and a possible addiction to food. I know, sounds a bit ridiculous but it is the same reason I used to not open my hydro bills (you remember what happened, right?) I wasn’t ready to face it but ended up learning a lesson in all of it. Oprah described this book on her site as this:
“A provocative new book reveals the self-defeating truth about dieting, while lighting the path to a full and healthy life. Says Oprah, “This book is an opportunity to finally end the war with weight and unlock the door to freedom.” ’
Editor’s Note: if anyone is interested in reading “Woman, Food and God” along with me, then perhaps we can start a book club to discuss….email me directly if you are interested…
Well book, I am ready now to listen and face the reality of what I have been doing to my mind, my body and my overall well-being and will make the healthier choice for myself to read you and see if what you have to say applies or will help me find my own freedom.
Ok, you have waited long enough. The number, du da da dahhhh……. duecento e libber ventisei. Translate it if you need to, it is in Italian. For those who are not bilingual (or know that Google has a translation feature) this translates to 226 lbs. I think it sounds much more exotic and beautiful in Italian. They are right when they say Italians do it better. I will pretend a hot Italian Chef is whispering it in my ear….delicious! Who needs to eat when you are fed words that sound like that?! Seriously though, I am a bit humiliated and embarrassed but this is only a number and it will only represent how I am moving forward a month from now and will only remind me of who I don’t want to be anymore. In the end, it will show me how hard I worked and how great I look.
Speaking of Oprah, I love Oprah. I know, some of you probably don’t love Oprah. In fact, I just entered the Oprah Ultimate Viewer contest for her upcoming 25th (and last) season – let’s hope I win! When it comes to battling weight, she is the one celebrity that has gained and lost, gained and lost, only to gain again in front of millions and millions of people. When she was 38 years old, she weight 238lbs, the most she ever weighed. Although she lost in 1996 and gained back again with hard work and healthy choices she brought her weight down to 160lbs in 2005. In January 2009 she admitted to the world on the cover of her magazine none the less that she had gained 40lbs and was now at a “dreaded 200lbs”. If someone like Oprah, who has everything at her fingertips, who is the most successful, powerful, wealthy and respected woman in the United States (other than Mariah Carey) has battled with her weight for her entire life, I can’t beat myself up too much for falling off the wagon and gaining the weight I lost back, plus some new friends. Again, it is good to know I am not alone and that it doesn’t make me a failure – it just means along with eating healthier and exercising, I need to figure out why I keep repeating the process and what the real issue is so I don’t repeat the same mistakes again. Read here about her battle from the January 2009 issue of O Magazine: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Oprahs-Battle-with-Weight-Gain-O-January-2009-Cover. A great read for anyone who has struggled with this issue.