10%…Could It Be??

It is too early to be official but I am down 10% as of weighing in this morning. 10% is 24lbs. This means I have surpassed the amount of weight that I lost previously (minus 1996 make the connection with Oprah which was a total of 30). This 24lb loss also means that I am more than a third of the way to my ultimate goal.

I feel so much better that I am not looking back wishing I had started back in February…I have started and made progress! It feels great that the self loathing is gone and that I look forward to make healthy choices to continue this journey. Sure, things can be challenging at times and I may have a not so great day, but I have learned that it is ok and I can recover quickly. I just think of the fork in the road and where I want to be.

Passing the 20lbs mark and almost at 25lbs lost is pretty amazing to me and I still look forward to August 28th, the 6 month mark. I need to up the exercise now that it is gorgeous out because I find it makes a huge difference in all areas. I like looking at my back again too! Less rolls.

Before I get ahead of myself, I officially wweigh in tomorrow morning…wish me luck!

Blog soon and Happy May 24 Weekend!
PFF

Change….Yes, I Can.

Change is good, isn’t that what they always say?  People are afraid of change but I am not.  At the age of 35, I am trying make change and 2012 is my year to focus on it.  I am making strides towards a better me.  I will be the first to admit that I make mistakes…a lot of them but the key is to learn from them and move forward with the lessons learned under my belt.  Isn’t that what life is all about?

In saying that, in 2012 I decided some changes needed to be made.  I started earlier this year by making the committment to lose weight.  I started at 240lbs on February 27th and now I am 218.5lbs.  I have a long way to go, but in 2.5 more pounds I will have lost 10% of my body weight.  I am a third of the way of where I want to end up.  I know right, 240lbs….admitting it is the first step!  The heaviest I have ever been, ever.  I feel that I am at a somewhat plateau in the past week or so – where I am not losing as much as I want to but I am also not working out as much as I should be and I have been using crackers and cheese as a coping mechanism or an unfocused on the end goal mechanism…but I digress.  When I was doing Jillian and walking / jogging more the losses felt more substantial.  Change, Yes I Can.

Look at U.S. President Barack Obama…Change, Yes We Can was his Presidential campaign which revolved around the idea that Change is possible and in our own hands….this belief and slogan subsequently brought him to the White House.  Wow.  One person, so much change and defying the odds.  I admit with an extremely talented team, he was able to change the minds of millions and prove to everyone that he was the best man for the job and in the end it was their perception of him that made them vote.  Surely, I can change one person, especially when that one person is me, the only person that I have control over.  Change, Yes I Can and with that change, the perception will change.  As we all know, Perception is reality….so why kind of reality do you want?

This is inspiring…it is a few years old, and it says “we” instead of “I”, but the sentiment about change is the same.

I am happy with my progress with losing weight, because that is what it is, progress.  I read on WW that I have a choice when I am feeling I am not doing well.  I need to look at it as I am at a fork in the road.  I either go forward and continue making healthy choices or go off track completely. The longer you keep going off track, the harder it will be to get back to where you were when standing at the fork and reach your ultimate weight goal.  I realized that this applies to everything in life.  Who knew WW provided life lessons as well?  In the past, I get to this point where I almost give up, self sabotage and go back up the road I came from….hence the failure / giving up in the past.  I refuse to quit WW.  I know it would be so easy to eat everything in sight, especially when I feel sad, angry or frustrated.  I need to ask myself, what do I want? To be fat and ugly or healthy and beautiful? Besides, healthy and beautiful comes with so much more….happiness, better clothes, healthier mind, great friends and so on.  Fat and ugly comes with sadness, depression, health issues, self loathing, high blood pressure, lack of confidence and frustrating, hurting and losing the people you care about the most.  For what?  So not worth it.  Happiness seems more fun.  Change can happen, if you are committed.  I have come this far, why stop now?

This brings me to my second point.  Sure, I’m making changes in regards to my weight and health….but what about my mind?  What about well-being?  What about how I treat those closest to me?  I am used to using food to use as a coping mechanism and now that is gone.  I feel like my mind is a mess.  I am constantly worried and feel anxious all the time.  About everything.  I need to calm down and accept that I can’t change the past and I can’t change people - but I do have the ability to change people’s perception of me based on my actions and how I live my life and most importantly how I treat people.  Only at times of extreme emotional pain and or the loss of something near and dear to us is when we usually realize things needs to change.  Usually it is too late to do anything different.  Sometimes, if you are lucky enough, it isn’t.  I can also change things that make me miserable by walking away from them when I know in my heart I want more and deserve so much better.  I owe myself that.  I truly believe the hardest things to do are the best things for you.  Although hard now, it is better off for everyone, most importantly me.  I need to stop looking for happiness outside of myself and find it within.

Oprah always says your life speaks to you in whispers and you need to listen to what it is telling you so it doesn’t crash down on you later.  I wish I had listened earlier to my whispers, the louder whispers, felt the thump, or the brick. Now I am in the house that has fallen down and can only build from the ground up.  I am speaking in metaphors people.  Watch this to understand fully what she means…a great lesson for anyone.

So, after learning a really tough and really hard lesson I am in the midst of finding someone to talk to about the why’s and how to change, because after trying for so long – I’ve come to the conclusion I can’t do it alone.  You know what? That is ok.  Admitting fault, or that you need help isn’t a bad thing.  It is somewhat admirable.  Admitting you are wrong, or have issues you can’t solve or purely understand on your own or can’t fix – doesn’t mean you are unsuccessful…the fact that you can recognize that something needs to change is what is important even if it is after the house has crashed down.  When I look at the amount of times that I have had tried to lose weight, I always gave up doing it alone.  I started with Weight Watchers, a great program and I am so far successful and want to continue – even though I have had impure thoughts of Big Mac Daddy more than once a week since I started…I am still here, still trying and working at it and I choose to be successful.  I will reach my goal of 175lbs….no matter what. Once I get there, perhaps my goal will go to 155lbs but with help, I am going to succeed…on both fronts because I deserve and want to make the change to live a happy and fulfilled life…not a miserable and lonely one that is why I am putting my words into actions.

Editor’s Note: I found out today that officially I have been selected to be a part of the new documentary series “The Truth Project” on OWN…which I am very excited about…..filming in June so another incredible opportunity to not only share where I have been, where I want to go but inspire others with my truth…the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have a point in this post today, believe it or not.  Change is positive. Change is good.  The beauty of change is that we are all capable of it.  Change? Yes, We Can.  If there is anything that you feel you need to change, remember, it is never too late.  My advice is listen to the whispers, then the louder whispers and try not to let yourself get the brick and I hope that the house stays standing long enough for you to make the change and find true happiness,  because you deserve it just like I do.

Blog Soon, PFF

A Mother’s Love – Happy Mother’s Day

Inspired by the love of three special little girls, I wrote this to celebrate the love and the unique bonds these mother’s share with their daughters. First, I shared it with them for their day today and now I am sharing with you.
Happy Mothers Day.

A Mother’s Love.

From the moment you heard her heartbeat
For the very first time,
You knew without a doubt
“She will always be mine”.

From the very first moment
You held her in your arms,
You knew you would do anything
To keep her far from harm.

From the first of many sleepless nights
Secret whispers the two of you share,
Filled with butterfly kisses and holding her tight
All those precious moments wrapped with care.

Only you know everything,
Her first crawl, her first word, her first step
She will be eternally grateful of these things,
For that you will never forget.

You feel joy each time she smiles
Your heart breaks with every tear,
You kiss away her pain
And wipe away her fear.

She will be your best friend,
She will be your ultimate challenge,
As she grows up you will learn
To not take this time for granted.

From the moment she steps into the world
On her own for the very first time,
She will always be your little girl
And with that she will no doubt shine.

From now until eternity
No love will ever compare,
She knows she can always count on you
And that you will always be there.

Today is the day,
To celebrate you
Happy Mother’s Day,
She is blessed to have you.

Again, Happy Mother’s Day.
Blog soon,
PFF

Today Is A New Day!

Ok, so I think they weigh-in God’s heard my frustrations yesterday and did me a favour when I stepped on the scale this morning.  20.3 lbs loss.  It was 20.2lbs last Saturday and Sunday so I think they knew I needed to see the number over 20.2 to keep my motivated.  So as annoying as my post may have seemed, dripping in disdain, my weigh-in Gods gave me a break.  Thank you!  Usually I step on the scale about 8 – 10 times in the am to ensure the weight is accurate.  Whatever number shows up the most is what I go on.  I only weighed in 3 times this am, the number was the same each time. 

So this is my promise.  I am sure if you are good at math you have probably figured out my starting weight, if you were that interested.  Nope, you are right, not a pretty number at all.  I started off over double the size…literally, double the size as one of my closest friends.  That is a disturbing reality and a wake up call for sure.  If I weigh myself this coming Monday, and I am 20.3 or over in pounds lost, I will post my starting weight, my current weight and what I am working towards each week like I did when I first started this blog back in 2010.  If not, I will do my best to not post a negative ninny post and go to the grocery store instead and carry around two 10lb bags of potatoes to give myself some perspective of how far I have come. (thank you Rachel – awesome idea).

For everyone sending in their comments and emails of “hang in there” or “you are doing great” thanks so much – it may sound needy or lame, but it certainly helps….so thanks a million.  I dedicate my un-official 20.3lb loss to you.

Blog Soon, PFF

Bad Few Days.

Well, I weighed in yesterday and lost only .2lbs.  This frustrated me immensely because I have worked so hard, stayed within my points values and for what?  .2?  It hardly seems worth it.  Big Mac Daddy was calling my name, but I still didn’t give in.  I worked out, I even ran 5km.  I went to dinner two nights and perhaps that is where it came in.  I felt heavier and that upset me and put me in an extremely foul mood.  All I could think is I am so fat and disgusting. I may as well give up.  What is the point?  This is so frustrating.  I thought I was doing so well, I have had a loss every single week….why can’t I just past the 20lb mark officially?  A few times when I have weighed myself it has shown a 20.2 loss but my weigh in on Monday has not.  It makes me want to cry.  So frustrating I just want to eat more.  I haven’t binged.  Then I came home after work yesterday and felt frustrated so I ate 9 points over my daily – which dipped into my weekly points allotment. I ate a teaspoon of peanut butter, a teaspoon of nutella, a teaspoon of jam – yes I am disgusting.  I ate some tricuits with some blue menu marble cheddar.  

Then I fought with my boyfriend over something terribly stupid (no doubt I overreacted due to all my other frustrations) building frustrations so after that I cried instead of ate.  I went to bed and slept through the night, with only a few nightmares.  One where a close friend bought the building I live in, didn’t tell me, made the Starbucks close and started renovating my apartment before I had fully moved out.  So I was forced to befriend a former enemy and try my best to find somewhere to live…figure that one out.

I woke up this morning and felt guilty about what I ate amongst other things.  I told myself it was a new day and I could eat properly today.  I have so far and now I have had my dinner, I am done for the day, I cannot eat one more morsel of food.  I have 5 more hours before going to bed so that will be hard.  I could work out – but I am still feeling pretty shitty so I wont…or maybe I will get the strength to.

I know that I have said many times this time around that all little losses (.2lbs) add up to one big loss.  Right now I don’t believe it.  I hate the idea of so much work for no reward.  Kate Moss said “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” but she probably has never eaten chocolate cake…or a Big Mac.

Blog Soon,

PFF

The PFF Toronto Yonge Street 10km Experience

I woke up at 615am, before my alarm at 630am on Sunday morning.  I got showered, dressed, picked up Starbucks and headed to meet my colleague Mike (my awesome cheerleader & supporter!) to drive up to the starting point.  It was freezing this morning I must add.  Did I mention I forgot my headphones for my Ipod on my bookshelf?  Let’s just thank Mike and give him a fantastic shout out for lending me his, shall we?

We arrived with plenty of time.  We hung out at Second Cup, met our other coworkers running the race and headed out to our respective corrals (me=purple) and waited for the staggered start.  First was the very fast, then the little less fast, then a little less fast than that and then us in purple.  At 9:09 the purple started.  I was consistent in walking and running.  I must say, I ran more than I have today than I have in the past 8 weeks that I have started this new healthier lifestyle.

The course was right down Yonge Street from north of Eglinton.  I realized that I have a lot of memories in this city so as I walked / ran down the course it was a walk / run down memory lane.  I had an apartment at Yonge & Eglinton, I had an amazing Dr. at Yonge and Davisville and when I first moved to Toronto I lived at Yonge & Wood Street.  I passed the Starbucks I met my mother for the first time at Yonge & College 13 years ago.  See? Many memories.  I was amazed by the kindness of strangers who were out cheering the runners / walkers as they we passed.  I listened to Jay Z, Kanye, Dr. Dre and others to keep me going.  Not even one, I repeat, one Mariah Carey song.  I know, shocking right?

I reached the 4km mark and felt that it wasn’t that horrible.  I wasn’t dying or anything!   I was impressed and proud of the progress I had made.  As I passed the 7km mark (the only reason I know that it was 4km & 7km because I knew ahead of time where the water / Gatorade stations were), I turned the corner on Richmond and a woman police officer extended her hand to give me a high-five.  That moment almost took my breath away, in fact brings tears to my eyes as I write this.  I think the genuine kindness of strangers is what got me most.  They didn’t have to be there, but they were.  The volunteers that made it happen.  The people who clapped for us as we passed.   As I approached John Street there were a bunch of young people holding signs, one said “Looks like you’ve got stamina, call me”, another one that said something like “You’re feet may hurt but you’re doing great, keep going!!”.  Together, these random acts of kindness made me push harder when I felt I had nothing left.  I was thankful for them, the others that were running and trust me, I was feeling the burn and I ran faster and harder in those 10km than I have in the past 8 weeks.

Once I hit Front & Bathurst for the final stretch of the course, I changed the song to “One Moment In Time” by Whitney.  Oh yes, I went there.  I felt it was the perfect song to cross the finish line, you know for my first ever 10km.  I turned onto Fort York and the 9.6km behind me was only a distant, painful memory.  I was so close!  The music, the moment, the pain my body was feeling, all brought tears to well up in my eyes as I used every ounce of energy I had left to get to the finish.  I was so overwhelmed with what I was actually about to accomplish, my heart rate increased and I pushed harder.  There it was, the finish line with a huge clock that read 1:32 and time was ticking.  Those are the only numbers that I saw, 1:32 and I pushed myself to make it under 1:33.  Patrick Roy.  I saw my colleague cheering me on from the side and ran over to him to give him a high-five right before I crossed that finish line….under Patrick Roy.

I honestly can’t believe that I did it, but I never thought I could.  I realized soon afterward that I handled this race similarily to other challenges in my life that I thought I may not get through: I worked hard and pushed myself as hard as I could through the pain, angst and when I felt I couldn’t go anymore.  In the end?  I made it to the other side.  Running a race is a great metaphor for life, isn’t it?  That is why you see it on all those inspirational posters I guess.

What didn’t make sense to me is that I worked so hard, running more than walking and yet my time was 1:32.  I figured that when I walk and do a bit of running when I do 5km, it is between 48 and 51 minutes right now.  Which means I would have finished the race no later than 1 hour and 42 minutes.  I beat my time by only 10 minutes and I thought I worked harder than that, but I was still happy with my results….a. I didn’t finish last and b. I finished – so all is good in the world.

I went for a celebratory brunch with my fabulous cheering section and had a grilled cheese sandwich and my first order of sweet potato fries in 2 months.  Needless to say, I felt sick afterwards and do not feel the need to have them again for a very long time.  I received so many messages from friends, colleagues all congratulating me on a job well done.  I was told by some how inspirational they felt I was…including people I would never expect.  I was grateful.  One even told me that they are entering their own 10km because of what I did on Sunday.  Astounding.

Pictures are a bit small, but you get the point!

 

My Very Own Cheering Section! (Ignore my bad hair)

On Monday, it was brought to my attention I should be looking at my Chip time, not my clock time.  I pulled up my results and lo and behold: 1:22:42.7.  See?  I worked my ass off and that time reflects that…..yay me and yay to chip time!  I sure wish it meant potato chip time, Doritos Cool Ranch if we are being technical.

One thing off of my bucket list.  I really never thought that 8.5 weeks ago that I would see myself run in a 10km race, but I also didn’t think 8.5 weeks ago that I would have lost 19.5lbs at this point…but I am happy to say I have done both!  At this point, today, I am almost a 1/3 of the way to my weight loss goal of 65lbs.  Who would have thunk it?

Thank you again to everyone who donated to my cause, Virgin Unite and believed in me.  Just so you are aware I reached $575 of my $500 goal because of you.  Last, but certainly not least, my fabulous girlfriend made me a trophy.  Yes, that is correct….a trophy!  The ceremony was held in a parking lot in Bloor West Village and it was magnificent.  I have never received a trophy before so I will let it speak for itself…although if she was able to speak she would say “Heading over to Jilly’s see you soon!).

So now that the race and celebrations are complete, I need to figure out where I will run now that I can stand and sit without immense pain for the first time since Sunday.  No Pain No Gain, right? Right!

Blog Soon, PFF

First 10KM Eve

Ok, so in a little over 12 hours I will be meeting my colleague to head on up to the race, starting just north of Yonge & Eglinton.  Race time for the Purple Corral people is 9:09am.  The Purple Corral is for the people that think they will finish the 10km in over an hour and ten minutes.  That is me! Me for sure!

I am on the verge of tears right now as I sit in my apartment and eat my bowl of pasta.  I am not even close to be ready for this.  I may cry because I am scared and I am stepping completely out of my comfort zone in a huge way.  I may cry due to all the insecurities inside.  All kidding aside, I will be embarrassed and humiliated if I come in last.  “Of course the fat girl is last. She is so slow” or “She is so disgusting she is so big” or even worse, “Are you kidding me? What makes her think that she can race? So pathetic.”.  That is what I am dreading.  I really don’t feel like I deserve to be there with all of the fit and beautiful people who know what they are doing and have prepared for this.  The ones that wont break a sweat because 10km is a walk in the park to them.

Regardless of my actually getting up to run / walk this 10km, it is hard for me to imagine feeling so completely alone on that road while surrounded by thousands of others, who will be passing me over and over… but that is where I will be…well me, Jay Z, Kanye, Mariah & of course, Whiney.

My co-worker who is a pro at these things (by ‘these things’ I mean marathons, races, daily 10 – 20km just cause well, he likes to do them daily) has been incredible to me.  He has been my biggest cheerleader through all of it and actually believes I can do this.  Last night, he sent me the most amazing text that literally brought tears to my eyes.  He basically told me that he was proud of me and once he finishes the race, he would come back to find me and finish the race with me.  What?  I had close to the same reaction when I was moved to front row for Oprah on Monday: Disbelief, tears and pure appreciation.  For this super nice guy to a. be proud of me for committing to my first 10km and b. to say he would come back to find me after he was finished to finish with me……I have no words, just gratitude.  One of the nicest things I could ever imagine.  Like really, who does that?  Apparently he does.  That, plus my girlfriends are taking me out to brunch afterward  to celebrate my success (meaning I need to actually cross the finish line) where I will have a grilled cheese sandwich.  Oh yeah, grilled cheese.  Yum.  Oh, and all of the kind messages and donations for Virgin Unite I have received.  Why is it so easy for everyone else to believe in me, but I find it to be next to impossible?  I am a tough crowd perhaps.

All this shows me is that there are still incredibly kind and caring people who surround me and the only reason I will be able to roll out of bed, start and get to the finish line tomorrow is because of them.  Completely and utterly grateful, but still scared shitless.

So, I am off to bed shortly and will wake up at 6:45am.  I will go to Starbucks, have an espresso and an oatmeal, perhaps a banana and head on out.  My pedicure is booked at 3:30pm tomorrow – looking forward to treating my tootsies after the trauma.

Blog soon,

PFF